Hell No

"Hey baby! I didn't have much to say yesterday after the devastating news we got and I was just sick as hell. To come this far and then find out that it may be starting all over again. WTF is this shit going to end or what? I'm so tired of this shit! I've finally made up my mind that I am going straight and done with this shit and then to get hit with this. I don't know if I have another one in me. I'll be 31 next week and then if I get found guilty and sentenced to 3, 5 or 7 then what, come out at 34, 36, 38 and try to start a family? I can't do it! You look back in my letters and see where I wrote and said if I got to prison that I was done and that shit may still hold. I will be damned to make you suffer more and ask you to wait for me again. How selfish is that? You, only 25 no kids. Yeah right! I can't do that to you! I wouldn't. Now after I'm done and if we or you decide to get back together that is another thing. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart but sometime if you really love someone you just have to let them go. We will see what happens in the future but that is my view on it." January 7, 2012

"Talk about depressing! Today you told me my date dropped to the 26th, I would be home with you on that date that we expected. God damn it. Why does this shit happen to me? I'm finally come to the conclusion that I am tired of this lifestyle and yet bad things are still coming up. I'm tired babe, so tired. If it wasn't for you I would just give up right now! Be done with it all. I've done nothing since Friday but stress. I've never been there for Olivia's birthday yet. and how am I suppose to get custody of her with drug convictions and now a gun? No judge would ever do that. All my past charges I felt as though I deserved them but no this time, not this one. I'm just so sick and tired of this shit! what am I going to do? I can't do this! Its always better after I talk to you but I just can't get over it. Well, tomorrow is a new day. I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Love always and 4-life." January 8, 2012

It literally makes me sick. It brings back every single emotion January 6 brought.


To go so long and then to be slapped in the face with new charges was hard for me and I can't even begin to describe what it could feel like for my husband. To think he was so happy at one point, so happy just one week ago we had big plans for our future. He had high hopes for himself, but he just needs a break. One time. I have been advocating to Tom about being positive and strong during this time. And tonight, tonight I broke down. He could tell in my voice something was wrong, but I always try to be so strong for him, because if I am weak he worries, which brings more stress for him.

Today marks 300 days since Tom has been gone. 300. It doesn't seem like that long yet it seems like forever so far. It has been hard. I think a hard part of it for me has been being in love. I think its taken it toll on us not being able to see one another since April 11. How do you feel loved when you never see that person, 15-minute phone calls and letters just seem to be habit at this point. How are you in love with someone that you haven't seen in such a long time? I don't want to lose Tom and I know he doesn't want to lose me, but some days we struggle with these questions. At 25, with no kids, do I want to do 3-5 years knowing that I won't have children for that long, that my life will literally be put on hold until my husband comes home? Honestly, not at all. I don't think its something you sign up to do. But something I do want to do is support my husband. He sees it as selfish of him to ask me to stay while I see it selfish if I don't. What marry someone knowing the circumstances but then when it gets hard leave? No.

Is it hard? Hell yeah.
Do I regret it? Hell no.

No comments

Leave a Reply

Make Custom Gifts at CafePress