Unbreakable

Posted by Friday, September 16, 2011


The days are continuing to shed and as everyday that passes I seem to be getting this surge of energy and happiness. One more month and we are under 100 days, that makes me happy. I couldn't even begin to explain how this time has put a hold on our relationship yet has allowed us to grow. As each day passes its like almost nerve wrecking because while I am hopeful no one could say they don't have doubts. I have doubts of what it will be like when Tom is home. I want to make sure he is happy not down and out when he is home and to know that he always has a home where I will always support him. Doubts of how we will merge as husband and wife. When he left we were "living together" and were just dating not, married. When he arrives home, we will be Mr. and Mrs. Lewis, its nerve wrecking not knowing the next move or next chapter yet it is exciting. I am anxious to see where we will end up, whether moving to a bigger town or keeping Salmon our home, when will we have children and our soon-to-be renewal of vows. I am so anxious on every level. And while we are still in triple digits, its under 200, thank God. Together I know Tom and I can accomplish anything, and overcome this biggest hurdles. We have this undying love in one another, an extreme commitment and an amazing support system. Together we are unbreakable.

Absence

Posted by Wednesday, September 7, 2011 , , ,



There is an old say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." While for some people time make break you, worry you or even just pressure you, in our situation it has the "heart grow fonder." I can't say that this experience has been sugarplums and fairies yet this has brought us closer to each other and has really made us aware of the love we have. Tom and I were talking last night about where would be if he never had those silver bracelets around him wrists March 23.

Would we be married? Probably not. Yes, Tom and I may or may not have jumped into marriage too soon, yet we are happy we did. This time apart has opened our eyes to "bigger and better" things. We no longer focus on us as individuals or our outcome, its now "us" as a team. Having a person, a man, like Tom in my life has made me realize how much I have been missing out this whole time. So when Tom was pulled out of my life so fast, I soon awoke and made the promise to myself and Tom that this wasn't going to be the end. Now that we have been apart for over 160 days, we have left the past buried and look forward to our future together. He has developed hopes and dreams that maybe he would have never had, I have realized that my hopes and dreams are of children, marriage and sharing in my success with a wonderful husband. So now our life no longer consists of sleeping in one another's arms, there is no longer surprise lunches, balloons, flowers or jewelry.

And when your loved one is absent, those things don't matter. What matters now is their voice, their letters, their cards and their precious love. I got this amazing card in the mail from my husband. It is beautiful in its bright colors and precise lines but its more beautiful because it shows he cares. Over 160 days he is still making me smile, laugh and still melts my heart. He still goes out of his way to send me something special, it doesn't cost a lot, isn't something major but it is special. This wonderful card already has its own frame and hanging close to my bed. It reminds me every single day how lucky I am. Lucky to have him in my life, as my husband and so lucky to be in love with him. Tom and I share a lot of love between us, yet we are growing all of this fantastic love as well.

Humbling

Posted by Sunday, September 4, 2011 , ,

Tom humbled me tonight. As the phone rang I was so anxious to finally talk to him, talk to someone today! I shared how I was lonely and depressed today. His reply, "Its okay." To me its not okay or fine, so his response kind of enraged me. It made me mad because I felt like I was sharing something with him and here he was dismissing it, something he wasn't doing. He says, "It could be worse." To me, today, it can't. But as my husband explained to me, that to him we are good, he's good and I'm good. "When people ask me how I am, I always say 'good.' I have no other choice not to be good," he said.


He is so right.

"Every one has it harder or easier compared to the next person," he went on. So right again. He seemed to always find a positive in a world of negatives. Today I sit here, lonely and depressed but I know in the long run it won't be like this forever and I should be thankful for that. There are dozens of other men facing years without their freedom and dozens of "prison wives" facing years of lonely Sundays like this one. I was humbled in the fact that I shouldn't sit here and feel sorry for myself. We have no other choice in this situation, we have no other choice of what the outcome will be, we must just continue in staying strong in our marriage looking forward to the future. None of us should, we have chosen this path, we must embrace it and make the most out of it that we can. While our loved ones may not be able to experience everyday life with us, we can still embrace the present and look toward the future, leaving the past buried.

Traded it all

Posted by , ,


Some days I yearn for contact with Tom so much that I just want to sift through the enormous pile of letters just to re-read his love for me, the way he is changing and how precious our marriage is to him. Our Sundays used to consist of sleeping in, cuddling, television shows and cuddling some more. Today I can't kick the heartache of my husband not being here, and even though it may seem like we should be used to it by now, or don't have that much time left, the pain still lives on inside of me. Its one of those days you don't want to get out of bed, you aren't tired and you feel fine, but I would rather lay in bed just closing my eyes and thinking of him here with me. The way he used to wrap his arms around me, or had to have his legs intertwined within mine. But while I sit here and miss him like hell, I can only take into consideration of the positive that we will have from the present negative.

Tom and I have traded it all for love.

We traded in the big white wedding adorned with flowers and attended by extended family by us looking into each other's eyes in a courtroom with him in handcuffs. We have traded our hopes and dreams of great jobs, additional schooling and a family, for a lifestyle of just being on idle. Our lives are now day in and day out, writing letters, work and phone calls. Our dreams of a real family will come when he arrives home and his hopes of a bread-winning job will come once he succeeds in additional schooling, like he wants. We have traded in nights of falling asleep in each other's arms to sleepless nights alone laying in bed just wondering about the other. We have traded in face-to-face communication for hand written letters that don't ever seem to be enough, for 15-minute phone calls with the dreaded, "You have 60 seconds remaining."

When it comes down to it, we would have traded so much more just to have one another. I love him, he loves me and here we are. We have accepted the situation and while we both hate Sundays, we know we only have a handful of Sundays left until that one Sunday we can sleep in, cuddle, watch television and cuddle some more.

Our current lifestyle is only temporary, and we both know what we have traded in will all come back once we continue our lives hand in hand.

And this is our love story - Second Edition

Posted by Thursday, September 1, 2011 , ,


Hope, wishes, dreams, promises not to give them up - this has been our world for the past 162 days. When my husband and I first started this journey we thought we would be reunited just a few months, 90 days, we were hopeful to keep it together within that short period of time. In the mean time our love, our dedication has been put to the test. Our 90 days soon turned into a bout 340.

Three hundred and forty. Here we are, stronger than ever, still pushing forward. While the extra days have put a bad taste in our mouths our love still flows through our veins giving life to each others' soul.
I remember the day he told me of the extra time, the time that would keep us apart for the best majority of our first year of marriage, the time that we won't see one another in person - I was sitting on his mother's porch. He was just recently moved from a holding facility to a low security state prison. He now occupied a bunk in a room with about 15 other men, all serving their fair share of time. I remember I could hear him choke up, knowing the words that were about to leave his mouth would break me. It broke me to know this man, this man I fell so deeply in love with, one who was taking great strides for his future, for our future would be kept from me for almost 250 more days. Two hundred and fifty more.
One minute I was coming to terms of the situation we were in, becoming happy and now I was trying to pick myself up without crying without showing fear. Here he was thinking his stint would be short term which changed his thinking. Adjusting to months rather than days, making him get that mentality back of being locked up. Giving up wasn't an option. We took a vow to love each other for better or worse, while it got worse he was still my husband and I was still his wife. Even though his time tripled I would still be his wife at the end of it, no questions asked.
So here we are, 2,500 mile apart still yet some days it feels like there is no distance at all, because when it comes down to it, we are closer than ever. While this is not the ideal lifestyle for a newly wed couple, two wanting a family yet this has allowed us to open up and share on a whole new level. We haven't seen each other in over 120 days, and it can take a toll on you and your marriage but I try to always remember that man. That man that is still becoming his own perfect creation, who is still committed to the transformation of himself.
Even hitting this small bump in the road I know we can overcome this, and at the end of this road we will rejoice in our triumph. We both have our good days and our bad, especially since we just recently passed our halfway point but at the end of this I know we will look back and be proud of ourselves. I am still madly in love with a felon, and proudly wear the label "prison wife." There is no shame in our household, we continue to hold our heads high because we are in love no matter what our situation. Our marriage consists of a lot of trust and communication, bottom line, and why would I be ashamed of feeling a love like this? Whether he is here or there he is still the man I fell in love with and still proudly claim the Lewis name. This is my life, his life and our life together. We have no secrets. There are no secrets within our walls, no hidden stories no tale tails just us, living this life we have been dealt and making the best of it.
When I bow my head tonight, there will be no me, myself and I, its keep my husband safe and in the right mindset, keep our soon-to-be growing family safe and healthy and to please keep our love as amazing as it today, tomorrow as well.

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