TNA - Our Life

Wow. I can't believe I will be a mother. It is slowly consuming my brain that inside of me there is life. A different soul that is not my own. And all that came even more to life August 30, 2012 when Tom and I enjoyed how first ultrasound together. It was amazing. Amazing probably isn't even a good enough word but that is all that is coming to me now! As a woman lays on here back with an awkward device searching her body, the site of something else in your body was breathtaking. Then as we all became quiet, the beat of our baby's heart beat was an even more amazing thing. To hear it race at 150 something beats a minute, it gave me satisfaction that, that beautiful miracle is really there. I couldn't even describe that feeling, the switch in feelings from being just me, to being a mom. I am obviously still working on it and we have awhile to go. But I feel so blessed. Truly blessed that all my prayers, my dreams are coming true. From my wonderful husband being here to starting a family together. Its like my life feels complete and that in itself is enough for me.

Written August 19 "Last time I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach was Tom's pre-trial release hearing, April 26. I was so afraid I didn't know what the outcome would be, what to expect. Like tomorrow. I don't know what will happen, if Tom will be gone tomorrow home for a short six weeks before leaving and that is the scariest. The unknown.  Tom has worked so hard, he has continued to stay clean and sober and I couldn't be prouder of him. He has stepped up and has become the man he has always wanted too. But what is scary is - is the judge going to see the same thing? Is he going to see that Tom never wanted possession of the gun? Is he going to see that he took steps to distance himself from it? Is he going to see that he has made positive changes in his life? All we can do is have courage, strength and a lot of hope. Tomorrow may be one of the most important days of our lives besides our children's birth. It's difficult to be unsure of the future, of our future. I am nervous as hell. Scared as hell and I know Tom is too. All we can do is be strong together - Tom and I with our family and friends." 

It seemed like just another day as we drove to Pocatello, about a 3.5 hour drive from our hometown. When we arrived in town we quickly changed into our court clothes. We made our way to the federal courthouse and we sat. We sat and waited. It was almost like torture. Waiting for the courtroom to open waiting for it to start. Tom paced back and forth. I know he was nervous but never once said anything. I was so nervous for him, at this point there were no more words that we could have shared that would have helped in the situation at all. 

When we finally moved into the courtroom, Tom sat with his lawyer upfront and we sat behind, patiently waiting. 

The judge entered and there he was the man that would determine our future. It seemed to go so fast. It was like as soon as we sat down after the judge, the district attorney jumped to the podium and asked the judge to impose the full term according to the guidelines, 15 to 21 months. I can't say it was a shock because of course they would ask for the full term, we came in with no plea agreement or anything. But to still hear, "Impose 15 to 21 months," was heartbreaking. It was then Tom's lawyer's turn. 

He went on to explain the situation, the time Tom had already served and the positive ways Tom has turned now. He pointed out that Tom tried distancing himself from the firearm, while in the wrong way, he did do it. He explained how Tom has continued employment since the first week he was out. Tom spoke on his own behalf, and that was one of the worst parts for me personally. His voice, he was pleading for his life and you could hear it in his voice. 

The judge then went on and pointed out various back charges Tom had. He pointed out how most of his charges if not all of them were drug related somehow. Which is true. Its amazing how drugs can ruin your life without even realizing it. He was level headed and asked a few questions. He then said, "I am sitting here trying to think of reasons why you should serve more time and I'm not coming up with anything." The judge then asked Tom is rise, it went by so fast. It was barely 2:30, just 30 minutes past the time is started. 

As the judge opened his mouth my head dropped, I was afraid of the outcome, it would affect our whole life. Our future as a family. Tom stood there and the judge says, "I sentence you to time served." A relief. My shoulders dropped and I couldn't help but be happy, I couldn't hold the tears any longer. He continued to list the punishments, of course no drugs, no alcohol and three years of supervised probation yet no more ankle monitor. It was like the two black clouds were lifting. What we had seen, done, said, and heard over the past year and half seemed to disappear. It no longer mattered that Tom and I went over a year without seeing each other. It no longer mattered of the number of missed calls, enormous amount of money it was and strength it took. In the long run it worked out, like people told me all along. 

It is true, things do work out. It was most certainly hard to believe at the time but it did. Its like having to pinch yourself just to make sure it is real. The tears, the heartache, the distance was all worth it. And yet I am scared. I have lived this "scared" life, a life when you don't know what will happen next, and now here I sit with my husband by my side. I have to sit and think how blessed I am, blessed that he is home and we have made it through this nightmare. 

It makes me think of who and what am I now. I am no longer a "prison wife," something I have adapted who I am too. I almost feel left out yet I almost feel like its finally over. 

As this chapter closes we are beginning a new one. Finally husband and wife together and not separated and we are expanding our family with a baby on the way. New things are happening with fresh beginnings and sweet endings. 

Just a few days from now Tom and I will be traveling four hours to sit in front of a judge who will predict our future. It is so nerve wrecking, I can't contain it. When Tom went away for the first time there was no time to wait, to see what happened, it just happened. This time we have had four months to sit and wait for this day. We have done our homework on the situation, we have supplied anything extra we could - yet I don't feel comfortable about it or with it.

Our lives will drastically change, and the judge ultimately is deciding both Tom and my lives since I am pregnant. If he decides Tom needs more jail time, I then become a "single mother" of an unborn child with the posability of Tom missing the first few months of our child's life. He is not just taking away Tom, but my husband, my unborn child's father.

I have heard "you're so strong" and "you will be able to do it" so many times this week, it makes me just as sick as my head in the toilet in my first trimester. I don't feel particularly strong or able to go through more time without Tom. I don't think it is something you want to prepare for. I don't see my self as "strong" I see myself as dedicated and in love. I had to do something to keep my husband, and that was sticking by him while he was in prison, going over a year without seeing him and being 100 percent faithful. That is dedication. That is love.

I am tired of hearing, "Everything will be alright." How the hell do you know? I don't even know that and this is my life. I am scared to death that Tom could be gone again for up to two years. The thought makes me sick, the hurt makes me depressed and now I sit here - sit here and just wait for the days to pass.

Monday will either set us back and leave us apart or encourage and empower us to move forward and upward with our lives!

It is such an odd feeling and thought that I am pregnant.

Me. I am pregnant.

I was the one girl that always said, "I don't want kids." I have never been the "kid type" while there are a few kids that I love being a parent never seemed to match for me. I can't say I really never wanted kids, because I do want children. I want the name of "mom." And here I am.

I am getting everything I ever wanted yet I am not only the one who is, Tom is as well. Tom is so ecstatic that we are having a baby. The joy in his eyes, makes it worth while. I think about it all day. That I will soon by "mom." That I now have to take care of me and another.

I have indulged myself into online articles, videos and photos. Picking colors, furniture, and focusing on being healthy. The new changes taking over my body and mind and remarkable to me. The changes have brought on a new bond between Tom and I. We are both excited about the new edition and the life that we will soon have. Bringing a child into this world is something serious. New worries, new issues and protection. A protection and love that can be like no other than mother and child or father and child.

I am anxious. Nervous. Excited.

At 26 years old I sometimes feel as though of where my life is and where it was going. Since Tom has been home its slowly moving forward. It was like my soul was waiting for him and now that he is home, I am alive. Together we have fun, we love, we laugh, we care - and we are careless. Careless in a way that allows us to live out lives for us, not for anyone else and not for what anyone else thinks. Maybe that is what makes us so "together" we have the same mind-set on where we are at now in our lives and what we want in our future.

We want a future full of love, children, accomplished dreams and everlasting respect.

That love starts with us. The children begins at conception and the dreams will be accomplished and that respect will continue. Today one of our dreams flourished. As two pink lines appeared on a pregnancy test, shock ran through my entire body. I ran to the front where Tom was walking to get the mail, I made him come in and share in the excitement. We just looked at each other, double checking to make sure we were reading it right.

We are. We are pregnant.

Excitement. Nervousness. Shock. Happiness. Love. All flow through my body. Tom is ecstatic! He tells anyone and everyone he can and of course he is hoping for a boy. To my calculation I think I am about 5-7 weeks, but not sure. Doctors appointment is in our near future.

The Lewis clan is expanding. The two will soon be three. <3