Dedicated & In Love

Just a few days from now Tom and I will be traveling four hours to sit in front of a judge who will predict our future. It is so nerve wrecking, I can't contain it. When Tom went away for the first time there was no time to wait, to see what happened, it just happened. This time we have had four months to sit and wait for this day. We have done our homework on the situation, we have supplied anything extra we could - yet I don't feel comfortable about it or with it.

Our lives will drastically change, and the judge ultimately is deciding both Tom and my lives since I am pregnant. If he decides Tom needs more jail time, I then become a "single mother" of an unborn child with the posability of Tom missing the first few months of our child's life. He is not just taking away Tom, but my husband, my unborn child's father.

I have heard "you're so strong" and "you will be able to do it" so many times this week, it makes me just as sick as my head in the toilet in my first trimester. I don't feel particularly strong or able to go through more time without Tom. I don't think it is something you want to prepare for. I don't see my self as "strong" I see myself as dedicated and in love. I had to do something to keep my husband, and that was sticking by him while he was in prison, going over a year without seeing him and being 100 percent faithful. That is dedication. That is love.

I am tired of hearing, "Everything will be alright." How the hell do you know? I don't even know that and this is my life. I am scared to death that Tom could be gone again for up to two years. The thought makes me sick, the hurt makes me depressed and now I sit here - sit here and just wait for the days to pass.

Monday will either set us back and leave us apart or encourage and empower us to move forward and upward with our lives!

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