TNA - Our Life

Never could I imagine that Tom would be able to come home early, and while it may not be permanent at this point - I seem to still be in "shock." I have to admit that it can be weird. Weird in the fact that we went from seeing each other one time in the last year to now living together again, finally. Weird in the fact that we have had to adjust to not only being together, but a "new" place together. Yet, it's weird in the fact that it is as though Tom has never left, we have picked up where we "left" off in a sense. When he walked out and we exchanged our first hug and kiss since our wedding date, it was like we had never been through the hell the last 399 days have put us through.

Going through the motions of being a "prison wife" is truly indescribable. No one could ever really imagine what it was like without living it, they can sit there and show sympathy and care but they don't understand the heartache, the stress and the horror of the unknown. You have women that don't understand "why." Why you would be with someone like that, why you would put yourself though that - and I have to admit before Tom was arrested I was that girl. I was the girl that wouldn't understand the love, the time, the patience and true love and dedication is takes to be in that position. It certainly wasn't "easy," that is for sure but I don't regret it. And I am sure, to some it may seem as though it is easy for me to say that because my husband is home for the time being. But I never once regretted the decision I made to not only marry Tom but to commit to this journey. I think that you never know how strong you really are when you have no other choice and in this lifestyle there is no other choice.

I feel as though right now I need to take advantage of the time we have with one another because Tom may have to do more time. We don't know for sure.  And we don't know really how long he will be home for with that being said I have to "prepare" myself for the worst in this time again. When Tom first left, the depression and heartache were unbearable, and I am sure if he has to leave again I will feel that again but I will be better equipped with the tools to take this journey on again.

It takes a brave woman to not only do this, but to continue one day after day.

Disclaimer: This blog is a combination of different days leading up to Tom's detention hearing.


April 18: Have you ever felt the that overwhelming happy feeling when you can't help but smile? What I thought was a joke at first, Tom said the words, "I'll be home next week," of course, Tom and I are always joking around. I can't ever remember specifically joking about this but it could have happened. Once he uttered those words I jumped out of my seat so I could speak to him in private.

"Do you know how much I love and adore you? Damn baby I love you so much! You are my everything and everyday, no matter how bad it is, as long as I wake up to you being my loving wife is a great day. The day I married you is the greatest day of my life! That is the is the greatest day of my life until the dame comes when I am released from this f**king hell I am living, day in and day out. I think that is the thing that is really keeping me going everyday now. Just the thought of me finally coming home to you is the greatest feeling I get in here. Damn I miss you so very much today its not even funny."

Clothes ironed, bags packed, IPhone, IPod, Nikon page and hit the road to see Tom for the first time in almost a year!

Three hundred sixty three days. Three hundred sixty three days is a long time, just a few days short of a year. Three hundred sixty three days. Three hundred sixty three days is how long it took to see my husband face to face.

I went through the "what should I wear," when my husband ensured me, it didn't matter. And he was right. Like he said, we have stayed up all night, drooled, snored, with or without makeup I was beautiful, I could of wore sweats and he would have been happy. But I slowly ironed my clothes, packed up my stuff to take the three hour drive. I was only staying over night but I packed enough for probably three days, I wanted to be prepared.  I made sure to pack as many devices as I could as well, I wanted to capture every step of the way.

While driving down there the day before I couldn't help by imagine what it was going to be like to see Tom. I wouldn't be able to touch him, since he is in a county jail we are forced to visit through glass. I daydreamed of the last day I saw him, the last drive we took together. It made me think of where we once were and where are now because not only was I seeing my husband but it also landed on our first anniversary. We exchanged vows just days before he was extradited at the courthouse. A day I don't regret. The two days which are completely different, seemed so similar.

I was so nervous walking up the steps of the courthouse to say, "I do," and standing outside waiting to be escorted for a visit, was like torture. I was so scared and I am not sure why. I wanted to break down and cry, cry because I was excited, cry because I was nervous, cry because I was overwhelmed. But I held it in, I didn't want to be "that" girl. Crying BEFORE I got to see him? No. I later told Tom how I felt and said how weird that would be, but he quickly corrected me, "It wouldn't be weird, babe. It would be awkward." So I guess I didn't want to be that awkward wife. It was ironic seeing one another for the first time in almost a year on our anniversary. It was almost perfect, perfect in the way that it could be. Perfect in the sense that if he can't be home for it, I would want to be there with him and see him.

We passed through the snow and onto the freeway.

As I followed the officer, I could feel the flutter of the butterflies in my stomach, the sweating of my hands and my heart, pound, pound, pound - over and over. I sat at the first chair in the room.  As I waited for Tom to arrive - I patiently sat on the horrible plastic chair, jittery and all.

Then there he was. I could feel my smile go ear to ear. It was him. He was no longer an envelope in my mailbox labeled No. 3, he was no longer a prepaid 15-minute call - he was right there, right there in front of me. It was so overwhelming. Going that long without seeing someone, its like you wonder what they look like, especially with the limited communication we have. We both grabbed the germ infested phones, and starred at one another through the thick glass. "Hey Babe," ahhhh - that was nice. To see him say that what amazing. He looks great. You would think that the time, the stress, the lack of amenities - would take a toll on him but he is still so handsome. His smile, his laugh, it was like falling in love with him all over again. He hasn't changed, changed physically, mentally yes, more positive, more looking toward the future. I was afraid of what the year could have done to him. But I didn't need to be - he was still perfect. "Happy Anniversary," we said to one another, Tom replied, "You know what else has been a year? I haven't kissed you or hugged you in a year." He was so right, the last time we kissed or even touched was on our wedding day, when we held hands as we exchanged vows and he kissed his bride.

My husband's "house" for now, but his home is always here. Before visit photos, happy and nervous!!

After being apart for so long, we picked up where we had left off. Like it was April 11, 2011, the last day I saw him, when we said our goodbyes. It was as though he never left, as though I have seen him every single day. It truly is amazing to be able to have that person you love, that you have dedicated so much to be right there, right there in front of me.

The hour seemed like 20 minutes, it flew by. But the laughter, the smiles and looking into each other's eyes was worth the three-hour drive for one hour. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I honestly couldn't even tell you what we really talked about. It just happened and it was perfect just the way it was.

We had our notice that time was up we said our goodbyes, to me personally it was depressing. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to leave him behind, while this facility has become his "house," his home was with me. The only way it could have gotten better is if I could have hugged him. I remember having this huge, SIGH, mad and upset that I had to go, that he had to leave. So I waited to be escorted out of the building again. As I walked to the car, I debated on whether I should shed the tear that was on the edge of falling. While I was sad, sad to leave, sad that this was still like this, sad that we have to continue on this way still - I was strong. I was strong that we have done this, strong to continue on every single day - I never cried. On the journey home, memories that I had pushed to the back of my mind of Tom and moments we shared, rushed to me all over again. It made me miss him even more.

After visit photos, so calm, cool and collected.

Even days later it seems like the visit makes me miss Tom even more. Yet, I think it was exactly what we needed. Tom has been gone for awhile, he has to mostly on the east coast while I have been on the west coast. Sometimes you get in a rut of the "what are we doing." And it made me realize that I am doing exactly what I should be doing, because I love him. I love Tom and if this is his life, this is my life. It gave our relationship a boost. A boost to our love, that we aren't in the "Okay babe," and the "love yous," it has made us more in love, rekindle our love really.

I feel so lucky to be able to see my husband and have the amazing connection we have even being apart. Its an amazing feeling. It was an amazing visit, on the perfect day, the perfect time, with the most perfect person. It truly was a day to remember.

I was expecting something special from Tom this week since Saturday is our one year anniversary. It has gone by so fast, and I am not sure if I can blame that on the fact that he has been in jail the entire time or just everyday life. But none the less, it will very soon be a year. Its almost bittersweet because I am married to a great man. A great man. He is loving, caring, honest, appreciative and yet we don't see each other, we don't live with one another, we are apart. I actually received two letters today, and I read the "wrong" one first, which revealed what the other envelope contained. Tom apologized when he sent the letter because it wasn't what he has sent in the past. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be colorful, neatly drawn, because this time this came straight from him. No one else, just my husband and that is perfect, just fine actually. And it reads:

"The Best Feeling In Life 

The best feeling in life is waiting the sun rise, all while thinking of your big beautiful eyes. The best feeling in life is getting a letter, cause I know coming from you it will make me feel better. The best feeling in life is a phone call call that in the middle, I make you laugh even if it's just a little. The best feeling in life is when you come to see me, it makes me know how happy in life I will be. The best feeling in life is watching the sun set, it makes me feel as good as the day we met. The funny thing is that the best feeling in my life, is all those moments shared with my wife! 

Love Always and 4 Life! Your Husband! 

Thomas Cooper Lewis Jr. 

(4-7-11)"

This is the "best feeling in life." I can't even begin to tell you how in love I am with my husband. I don't need a "present," flowers, or dinner. I just need his love, that is perfectly fine for me, Mrs. Lewis. April 7, 2011 wasn't perfect, but it's our day, and I love that. Its a day when we can celebrate us, our vows and our undying, enduring love for another. Today, I feel pretty lucky to have such an amazing man.

Included with the poem was this was a disclaimer:

The new challenge on Strong Prison Wives is "Love <3 You." Taking a minute, an hour, a day, a weekend to do something for yourself. It seems we are always running around worrying about everyone else, letters, phone calls, money on his books - but what do you for you? So I have to admit, I rarely take my own advice, so today I decided I should since its been a stressful week. After dinner I made a quick trip to the store to grab some bubble bath! I had the option of two, Mr. Bubble or some cheap stuff - went with the cheap stuff, not only was is just one dollar, it was raspberry vanilla. I have an obsession with vanilla. Literally. I was really not into it once I got home, but I needed to stick to the "love you." I lit the candles, filled the tub with hot water, turned on the iPod, and watched the bubbles grow. As I slipped into the warm water, closed my eyes I thought to myself, "Ahhhhh, so nice." It is nice to just lay there, whether it was in the bath or not, just to be unbothered, was relaxing. Since I am not a big "bath" person, I must prefer a shower, it didn't last long. As I climbed out of the bath I noticed there was the same amount of water on the bathroom floor than there was in the tub. But it made me use my new towels I purchased months ago. All in all, I feel a little better that I took time for me. I loved me today!

Another month down, the first day of the month is always a realization for me that we are slowly but surely getting through this. The past couple of weeks has been difficult for Tom and I in the fact that we have no idea what the future holds for either of us. We don't know when Tom will be home, but we can't allow that to get us down. Tom and I have passed the year mark, developed a fantastic relationship full of trust and support and one hundred percent communication. Of course I miss him, but we are okay, we will be okay.  Last night it was super windy outside and as the wind roared through all of a sudden I could hear something hitting, due to the wind. At first I didn't pay attention to it. Then it dawned on me that one time it was really windy when Tom was home. We were laying in bed watching television and heard a pounding. The pounding hard, loud and seemed to get more persistent, Tom played detective to find the source. The quickly slipped on his shoes, threw on a jacket and was bound to go outside. Now I felt like I had to get involved, I had to act interested. But at Tom began to go outside, I suggested the idea the maybe it was coming from the laundry room. "I don't think so babe," he replied, but to please me he walked back there, I followed, as we stood back there he says, "Its not back here babe, its outside I think." I quickly began looking around and there was a tube hanging down, one that would be hooked to a dryer, so it travels outside. I got Tom's attention and showed him, the wind was traveling through tube making it hit the wall. I felt validated that I was right. We fixed the problem and Tom said, "Good job babe!" When that memory came rushing to me last night it made me laugh on the whole situation on how Tom wanted to be the hero. And made me realize how much we must rely on memories especially when Tom and I were separated with him on the east coast and we didn't see each other for almost a year. We are forced to remember the great times because until they come home, the "great" times can't really exist. Yes there are good times but nothing can compare to the times you share with them, trips, cuddling, anything really. But no matter what I am still in love with him, wouldn't trade it for the world - I am still a fool for him.