Broken & Torn

I am a reality TV junkie. Watch it, love it! And reality like Real Housewives and Mob Wives, not reality competitions like Survive. I like to watch people live, fight, and love. Tonight's episode of Mob Wives really touched me. I don't usually blog about things I watch or see but it was ironic since I was just telling a friend on what its like when a loved on is taken away - trying to explain on what it's like. As I sat here writing Tom a letter, telling him how the fact that our anniversary is coming up and it is hard for me, Mob Wives started. An emotional episode when Renee's father and husband back in prison. Of course Renee is a wreck, the rumors the unknown. The "best" part of the show is the one-on-one interviews. The emotional wreck Renee is, is touching to the fact that I know how she is feeling. I am sure this is probably not the first time she has been through this roller coaster - but this time, it was taped and produced for the world to see. She said some things that really made me think and remember what it was like for me, personally when Tom was arrested. It is hard to explain to someone who has never experienced a loved one arrested and taken to jail. It is literally like someone being ripped away. The day Tom was arrested I searched and searched and searched online for ways women dealt with this, and if I was "weird" for feeling this way. It really is a feeling of someone dying with them living, as odd as that sounds. They are ripped away, clothes sent home, the memories linger at home and while they call the emotions are almost unbearable. This person you love so much is taken, gone, vanished - it is heart wrenching. When Renee went on with the aftermath of "losing" them, the depression begins to set in. You really want to "hide in your shell" and be "under ground." It is hard to be around people even other people that know what this is like or even missing the same person. It is hard. It is hard to celebrate anything, holidays or birthdays; it is hard to pretend that everything is okay, when its not. To me, personally, I am grateful to watch it. Watch it in the fact that this is real life, that this happens and these are real feelings. On a show focused on the "mob" lifestyle - my lifestyle is being a prison wife. A wife that has experienced all of those same emotions and continues day by day - like Renee said, "That is what a wife does, the bid with you." While it is a rough time the wife seems to bare all of the weight on her shoulders. I am the wife, and I am doing the bid. Those emotions are things main stream society don't get or understand. But while Renee's situation is "extreme" and completely different than mine - I can feel that emotion, I can feel that hurt and pain and maybe I am not healed in the way that I feel it still especially while I watch this.

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