Good things come to those who wait

Disclaimer: This blog is a combination of different days leading up to Tom's detention hearing.

April 18: Have you ever felt the that overwhelming happy feeling when you can't help but smile? What I thought was a joke at first, Tom said the words, "I'll be home next week," of course, Tom and I are always joking around. I can't ever remember specifically joking about this but it could have happened. Once he uttered those words I jumped out of my seat so I could speak to him in private.

As Tom explained the conversation that he had with his attorney, the good things that could finally happen. I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know what to do, what to say and then Tom said, "Good things come to those who wait." He was so right. Trying to rush, rush, rush is never a good thing - Tom and I have taken the "back road" is a lot of our issues. Whether it was cops, charges, lawyers, family or friends, whatever will happen, will happen. Tom and I only have control over so much, especially in this situation. 

So when he told me the plans of him coming home maybe next week its like butterflies, your mind begins to race of what you want to do, what you two could do and then you hit a brick wall. You can't get ahead of yourself, because it may not work out the way we expect or want. 

At the time of me writing this, it is April 18, 2012, the very day I found out the news. I want to record the date because Tom is very adamant about me not telling anyone! While this is very hard for me I don't want to lose this feeling, at all. He wants to be home, even if it is for a short time for now, I want to remember it and since I can't tell anyone, saving a draft in my blog is fine for now. If you are reading this Tom's hearing is gone and passed. Part of the reason I started this blog is to remember, to feel the ups and downs of this. You know when something big happens in your life and next week you no longer remember what it felt like, what you were thinking and then months later you forget what even happened. I want to remember, I want to remember because Tom and I truly love each other, and this is our life. The good and the bad and we are not ashamed. I want to be able to share this with the world not to mention our children. 

April 20: Now What? Five Days. That is how long we have to wait until our immediate future is determined - the date as been set, April 25, 2012. If it is in our favor I will take the three hour drive home with my husband - if not, I will continue home alone.

Right now I feel very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed in the fact that Tom doesn’t want anyone to know for two simple reasons. One, he doesn’t feel like people who haven’t been there in last the year should the satisfaction of feeling excited that he may soon be home. Two, we have been disappointed so many times during this journey - we don’t want to share until it is either a yes or no. Not sharing it with others kind of takes it away from my excitement, because I can’t share with others how I am really feeling.

I am overwhlemed with the fact that after Tom being gone over a year - jam packing everything, in five days is alot. While he insists that I don’t need to do anything around the house, I want to make sure that it is "perfect." He deserves that. I am on the fence on what to do, what to think. Of course the conversation Tom had with his lawyer, I had with Tom, and the conversation I had with the secetary, the chances of Tom coming home are very good, but what if he doesn’t? Can I handle that? Will Tom be okay?
Maybe our forever will start in five short days, maybe it will start April 25, 2012. So many things are running through my head, the good, the great, the bad and the worst. Maybe our forever will be postponed again.

April 22: Two days until the hearing ..... My everything is frazzled. My mind, my body - after "spring" cleaning, organizing and trying to spruce up the apartment for Toms long awaited arrival - I am at my wits end. Sick to my stomach. Sitting here, after talking to Tom - now the "horror" is setting in. What if this time next week I am sitting here - alone, lonely - still. I'm afraid of that. I am afraid of the toll it would take on not only me but Tom as well.  I am scared in all the ways I can be. Hopefully our bad luck runs out and we can finally get a "break." I want to be able to dance with my husband for no reason, I want to wake up to his smile, I want to come home to him, share a meal rather than eat alone, feel special, loved and have romance. Isn't that part of marriage? Don't we deserve that yet? How much should we suffer? I am ready for this, I think. While I have reservations because marriage takes a lot of effort and work - I want to have that rather than just a name change. 

April 24: As I lay here in bed all I can do is think of is this the last? Last night to sleep alone, last day to eat by myself, will I be able to wake up next to my husband soon. I hope so. I couldn't even begin to imagine how anxious and nervous I am yet excited to be able to take the three hour drive home. I have yearned for it for over a year now. We deserve this. We want this. Like Tom said tonight "be positive, think positive and positive things will happen" and they need to. So I will leave this tiny town tomorrow morning to return with my best friend. The love of my life. The Mr to this Mrs and I couldn't be happier. Happy to finally touch him, hug him, kiss him, hell look at him without a five-inch thick piece of glass between us! 

April 26: The four-hour drive I took for Tom's long awaited motion hearing. I felt sick to my stomach, not sure what to think what to expect and the time, the time seemed in slow motion. I felt as though I was a show, a court show that I would be at home watching. Here I was, this show was my real life. And it would determine our future. The hearing itself was heart-wrenching in the fact that we had no idea what was going to happen - good or bad. And honestly, Tom and I both thought probably bad. But at the end of what seemed like forever - Tom was granted release. It may not be permanent, but I will take what I can. I made the half hour trip to the jail that he was housed at, and paced. And paced. And paced. I felt like I paced around that place forever - then there he was. My husband. AHHHHHH

The hug. The kiss. 

Even though we shared our first hug and kiss since we wedding day was in a jail, when strangers staring at us - it was perfect. It seemed so surreal yet like he never left - you just pick up where you left off. Waking up next to my husband after 399 days locked up was like a dream. Was I imagining the love of my life curled up next to me? Right now, as he lays next to me on the couch it doesn't seem that "real" but I am loving it. 

No comments

Leave a Reply

Make Custom Gifts at CafePress