Demons through his mind

"Hey baby. I'm sitting here getting ready to go to bed but like every night since last Friday, it feels like one of those nights where my mind will be going a million miles a minute and I'll be up half the night worrying about the future. I told you I have a problem with dwelling on things far to long and this is def. one of them times. I'm scared to death that they will try to make an example of me and give me five or more years for this shit. What would happen to Olivia? She will not know her father till the age of nine or ten? And what kind of father would that even make me? A real piece of shit thats what. And what about you? Is it fair to ask you to wait for me? Your 25 with no kids and if you did wait then you'll be 30 by that time. Is that fair? Five years is a long time to wait. What is two years from now you decide that you can't do it and want to break it off? Is is fair that I took another two years of your life after this last eleven months? I'm scared of a lot of outcomes of this. I'm mad. I'm mad because I have come to the conclusion that I am finally done with this lifestyle and here I am facing a whole new bid! I'm disappointed in myself cause here I go again hurting everyone that I care about and my father's words playing over again, "The only thing you are good at is fucking up!" And the thoughts of how much easier it would be for people of I were just "gone?" - January 13, 2012

I knew Tom was struggling but I guess I didn't realize how much.

"Another day down and who else knows how many more are left to go! I just wish all this shit would just go the fuck away or just get over with already. I'm so sick of this shit already. I can't sleep right, I can't thin right, I just can't do anything right. I want to come home to you and get our lives started together already. Haven't we been through enough in our first year of marriage? Don't we deserve to have all this over with already. What more do we have to do? How much more do we have to take before enough is enough? There are so many questions that are left unanswered and we don't know how long till these questions will be answered. " - January 14, 2012

Reading this leaves me in limbo. I want to tell Tom everything will be okay, but will it? I want to profess my love for him but I know he hears it every single day, he knows I love him. He acts like I would just leave, people have children later and later nowadays, while 30 isn't the age I wanted to have children, but I wouldn't want to have children with anyone but him. He is my husband.

Sometimes its hard for me to lift his spirits. Tom gets in such a dark deep place that he literally has to be pulled out of it and that is something hard to do over a 15-minute phone call. I can't control the thoughts that run through his head at night as he lies on a thin mattress and barely there pillow. The worries circulate through his mind at a rate you wouldn't believe.

I feel so helpless not being able to help him not knowing what to say or do. Only so many, "It will be okays," and happy letters will help. Because at the end of the day he is dealing with his demons. The demons that convince himself that it won't work, it won't be okay. So tonight I am going to bed, praying my husband can straighten out the thoughts in his head and the next five days fly by so we can finally see each other again.

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