A lot of people judge me and wonder how you can continue a relationship, hell a marriage while one spouse is incarcerated. It's hard. It's difficult especially when you haven't seen that person in almost a year, like Tom and I. The one thing that helps us, in our relationship is honesty. This week I have struggled to get out of bed, wrap my mind around of what's next, think straight or even enjoy the day. I toss and turn all night leading to sleepless nights and the constant headache that haunts me has been tired. So today while on the phone marked two days in a row that I cried on the phone with Tom. I always feel so bad because in 15 minutes I don't want to cry, I don't want to worry him, stress him out but this week I can't help it. The combination of families, lawyers, letters, signatures has my head spinning and the tears followed. Tom knows, he can tell when something is wrong with me and I am thankful for that because of course no one "wants" to talk about it but you need to. It helps. And the two of us being honest and open with our feelings and what we are experiencing helps us become closer and realize what we are going through.Tom and I both share the same fears yet we still have our own. He is afraid I will leave. I am afraid of more time. Tonight it hit me that it is always more time, more money and as it came out of my month, I didn't realize the effect it would have on Tom. It hurt his feelings. He shared his thoughts and feelings of him fearing that I would just walk away - that maybe one day I won't accept his calls because it is always more time and more money. I felt so bad for making him feel that way that I cried even more. I always want to be strong for him, with him. I never want to show Tom weakness, that I am okay, we are okay and that I love him and will always be there. And that's when he said, "You always are. Babe, you have been so strong. Look at what you have done and you are still strong. You are strong." And that's when it hit me, I am strong. He is strong and we are strong. I am thankful that Tom and I can stay honest with one another with our trials and tribulations. Thankful that when I hit rock bottom he can bring me up and thankful that he knows that when he is rock bottom, I am right there picking him up. Even though I cry and feel like an idiot for crying, Tom makes me feel better. And that I am thankful for. Even though the truth may hurt him some days he still accepts it, still loves me and I still love him.

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