On the move

The days that go by without a phone call, without a letter are torture. They are torture because in this lifestyle it isn't "no news is good news." No news could me lock downs, fights, moves, the SHU or in transit. So here we are, I didn't hear from Tom at all yesterday which of course is odd since he calls a few times a day and no emails it could only mean one thing - he's on the move. Of course nothing is usually updated the day off, they never want you to really know. This morning next to Tom's name is read, "IN TRANSIT."

What a good feeling yet overwhelming and nerve-wrecking. It is such an amazing feeling because I haven't seen Tom since April 11, 306 days and I will see him very soon. And that same amazing feeling is overwhelming because I haven't seen him in 306 days. At this point I should be packing my bag, gassing up my car and ready to be the first one in the doors to visit him, yet I'm not.

I feel like we have been here before. Like this is deja vu. Like I have been here before, not necessarily so close in days of seeing him but the chance was there, the excitement was there and now I am afraid to feel those feelings. I am afraid to be excited because I don't want to be let down. I don't want to be hurt anymore than I have to - isn't that a silly statement in this lifestyle? It hurtful almost daily. I feel as though I need to cut my own feelings short to be strong for me and Tom and to keep this wall up so I can continue to be strong.

Now I am patiently waiting for my phone to ring, and hoping his voice will be on the other end. I hope he has news that he is in Idaho, closer to home. That we know when arraignment will be to prepare for our future.

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