When you really need it.

The butterflies, my heart racing, the nervousness and anxiousness that overwhelmed me this morning was intense. As I sat there watching the clock tick, I couldn't believe that after 315 days I would actually be seeing my husband. 315 days. It is unbelievable to me some days
- that I haven't seen him for that long, because it feels like forever while at the same it doesn't seem that long at all. So when the clock hit 9 a.m. and there he was. I could feel my smile grow, ear to ear and his smile exceeded mine. "Hey babe," while I have heard that several times in the past 335 days, seeing him while he said it was nice. While the visit may not be in person - seeing him, hearing him and watching him talk was worth it. Sitting there watching him watch me, that in itself was amazing. I couldn't imagine what kind of affect
that video visit would have on me. I thought for sure I would cry, amazingly enough, I didn't maybe it was the fact that he could see me, I could no longer try and muffle my tears like I could over the phone, but maybe it was because I was happy. Happy to see him - to see his smile, watch him laugh - just happy. After our quick 25 minutes passed, I sat and played back the visit in my head, what we talked about what we shared and it hit me how much I really needed that. I needed that like really bad. The past month has been horribly hard on me. Tom has been moving on an average every five days, where new rules, new pin lists, more waiting, more money and it made me think - how long can I do this? We got into a habit while he was in New Jersey, when he would call, when to expect letters and for the past 25 days it has been "wonder where he is?" or "when will he call?" and for him it's "where am I goin

g?" or "what is next?" I have never shared this with Tom, but I questioned my strength and my own courage in this. It has been a struggle for almost a year and it has slowly taken its toll on me. I wondered how much more I could endure and handle in this situation, if I was strong enough to continue on this journey in which I have no idea when it may end. I questioned our love, because in reality, it's an adjustment to be married, especially when you have only seen that person five days of your marriage or it consists of phone calls and letters. So today, seeing him, seeing the life in his eyes made me realize why I started this. Laughing with him, reminded me why I married him, why I love him. Seeing him reminded me how much I miss him, after awhile you almost forget what they look like. And while I may struggle this rare journey I have chosen for my life, I must remember this is my husband. I married him for love, love that consumed every ounce of my body. That the love we share is something rare, something I have never had with any other single person. So when I say I really needed that. I really did. I needed to see his smiling face. I needed to watch him say, "I love you," because while I know he does love me, I needed to see it. I needed it. It was amazing and I couldn't be any happier today. I am grateful today. Grateful for an amazing husband and a fantastic shared love and I am looking forward to our two video visits tomorrow!

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