Three days have passed since I have talked to Tom. I yet to know where he is or what is the next step in our journey. It has dawned on me that Tom will most likely be arraigned this week which will be followed by a detention hearing. A detention hearing which could allow to come home in the period of time to handle this new charge. I have overwhelming feelings of what this could mean.

In one hand this means Tom could possibly be home soon. Or it could mean that he would continue to serve time in the mean time.

I feel like I can't put my feelings on the line to be let down - again. We have been here before, the excitement, the plans and at the end we were let down. But deep down I want to be excited I want to look forward to it and maybe make the plans again. I want so hard to be optimistic.

This may be a little controversial but in a way I am afraid to leave this lifestyle. With the opportunity that Tom may come home its overwhelming in the sense that I won't be doing what I have been doing in the past 326 days. I have become so accustom to this lifestyle with letters, phone calls, crying to sleep, the quiet of the night, sleeping alone, eating alone - now what? Its very overwhelming for me. And here I sit telling the world about it. I feel like silly for admitting my fear yet feel empowered from it. I am curious of what it would be like to come home from work with a husband at home, someone to talk to or just to look over at.

Yet what if he can come home for awhile but has to leave again. It is hard to deal with losing someone to prison. It is hard to adjust to the lifestyle and its not fun by any means.

I know no matter what the conclusion, home or not, I will continue to be strong, Tom will continue to be strong. It may take time to recover and recoup - figure out our strategy. I want my husband home more than anything but I have to continue to have this wall. A wall that has continued to rise over the past 11 months, it protects me from others yet allows me to be comfortable enough to be brave and strong in my own right.

So I will start another week in this lifestyle hoping that it could be my last. Hoping for at least a phone call by tomorrow to allow me to prepare for our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Lewis.

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