With only one week until my 26th birthday, today it made me realize what this past year has been like. Tom was arrested March 23, 2011 - 19 days after my birthday. So with this birthday coming it will be close to the one year mark of him being gone. At 26 I feel like maybe I have given up to much. Tom sometimes bugs me to go out and do something to go to a friends house but I would rather stay home on a Friday night. Now I am considered the boring friend for the simple fact that not only am I not into the going out every weekend but I also would rather work, which has currently led me to working 51 days straight as of today.
I am not sure why I feel the need to work or stay home alone rather than going out and enjoy my life because in the long run I am the one that controls that. I am the one that holds myself back. I, myself, put myself at home while my friends are socializing, I am the one that allows myself to work seven days a week.

Maybe I am afraid. I am afraid of the questions especially at this point when Tom isn't home and he should be. I am afraid to put myself out there, the prison wife. I am safe at home. I am content at home. Part of me feels bad for having fun without Tom, celebrating birthdays and holidays without him. But I know I shouldn't. I would rather sit alone with an empty house, empty couch then feel vulnerable socializing. I went awhile without even wanting to look my best and putting no effort into my hair or clothes. Maybe this is the typical "prison wife" scenario, wife waits for her husband and puts her life on hold awaiting for his arrival home - giving up her money, family, friends, lifestyle.

I do feel as though maybe I have given up some special things like our first year of marriage, having kids or traveling but I also know that we chose this. No one forced Tom and I do this, to make the commitment and in the same hand we never expected this long either. So I need to force myself to get up, get up and move - move to happier me because in the end with could only help the situation.

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