One Small Day

Sometimes I don't understand how you can feel so on top of the world and then BAM, so down, like six feet under, numb, paralyzed, like sleeping and not waking up again. The ups and downs and joys and hurts of this situation is draining, and no one understands it unless you are in it. I can't explain how much I love my husband and yet be so down all of a sudden or the joy of hearing the phone ring to the hurt or extra charges or a failed appeal. I try so hard to act like I am okay but when someone asks, "How are you" or "How much longer" I just smile and answer like it doesn't phase me.

I try to seem strong every day, for myself a lot of the time. No one sees my struggles just my troubles - the troubles of trying to juggle three plus jobs, balancing having a husband on prison and 2,500 miles away. Its a lot and sometimes I am fooling myself and I just gotta break down. Welcome to my day.

I can't even pin point where in my day I was fine then went to irritated, frustrated, depressed and now just sad. I think its the time I come home. I had a great time with my best friend last night, much girl time full of laughter, going to work and then coming home its hits me like a brick wall. A brick wall of reality that Tom isn't here, he won't be for months and I am alone. Loneliness is something I feel a lot, its hard to have that person in your life, your best friend and your lover but who isn't there with you because of circumstances you can't control it. I think I hit the wall when I feel left, I feel left by friends its like as soon as I got married or they found out where Tom is - I didn't exist and that hurts. It hurts to be judged, when you can still be happily married but they just see the cover of the situation and they never ask anything, they assume.

Some days its hard to stay strong or to even smile, all I want to do is break down, cry, yell, kick and scream but I can't. I know I have to keep my chin up for me and my husband. I have to stay strong because so many people want to see my fail. The things that keep me going is my husband first and foremost, his always encouraging words, my true friends and not always understanding but supportive family. This is a constant fight but I know we will prevail, its just one small day out of the total XXX days.

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