Moving from prison to jail, jail to prison Tom has met some very interesting men. Tonight when Tom called and we shared the "highlight" of our day, I ask if he liked his "bunkie." Something he usually mentions but hadn't seen he has been moved. Tom kind of chuckled and said, "He's got some stories." Of course my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know the stories! Tom began to share this man's, which I believe to be his "fantasy." His famous actress girlfriend, his father's famous beer company, his nicely padded bank account - and while this may all sound nice, I don't believe it. I laughed as the stories went on and on and on.
Then Tom says, "I'm broke, I'm a piece of shit and I'm in jail."
Okay . . .
I of course quickly responded, "What." Reassured Tom, he isn't broke, he isn't a piece of shit and it doesn't matter that he is in jail. He says, "I have your money, I am broke. I am not good in here, it's not fair." I always try to stop and really think before I respond to things like this because it is important to me to make Tom aware that "this" isn't him.
Tom is broke because he is in jail, obviously. But a piece of shit? No. Of course I told him how much I love him, that it doesn't matter that he is in jail and he is not a piece of shit. Being in jail doesn't make you a piece of shit. Its circumstance. This still disturbs me hours later.
I do truly believe that Tom thinks about himself like this, it breaks my heart. But he is so true in saying "It doesn't matter, as long as I have you at the end of the day I will be okay. I don't need money, I can be in jail but having you makes it okay. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have anything in here." I have to believe that at the end of this Tom can believe in himself, that he is good enough. That this current lifestyle does not define him, me or our relationship.
Annette, I know what you mean. My husband asks for reassurances all of the time "that I will never leave" that "I am still in love with him" that "he is good enough" and he calls himself "a piece of sh%*" but I reassure him he is not and that he is a good man and nothing has changed and I love him.... over and over again. I guess because they get treated so bad in prison, they are made to feel like less than animals. He feels bad because now I am taking care of him when he used to take care of me. I ask advice of him all of the time to make him feel a part of it all, but I make the major decisions now and he has no control.
ReplyDeleteListen, all we can do is to love them and reassure them over and over again. Peace!