Sometimes, somethings don't work out as planned - today is one of those days for me.
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| Tom and I, March 2011 |
Today, as I "celebrate" my 26th birthday it only makes me think of where Tom is, what he is doing, why he isn't here and where we were just one year ago. One year ago, we took a weekend for "us." Had a great dinner, a day of shopping but the time we spend together it something I could never forget. It was really the time, I think personally, was the best time we had together. Forget it was "my birthday" weekend, forget it. The laughs, the smiles, the conversations - now looking back I feel lucky it happened, because just 19 days later Tom was arrested.
This year there was no dinner with Tom, no day of shopping, really any laughs or smiles. It seems like it is just another day of the life of a prison wife. Wake up lonely, sit in the house alone. No lights on, curtains closed.
The one thing that I was looking forward to was our two video visits. Something I was really looking forward to. Over everything else, since Tom can't physically be here, the video visits is what I "wanted" for my birthday. When Tom called to wish me Happy Birthday, asked to make sure I accepted the visits, and there it was "invitation has expired." Perfect. Since I didn't do it yesterday, our planned video visits for today, are no longer.
I could feel myself getting irritated, mad and it wasn't Tom's fault but I was upset. Upset that I can take care of everything for everyone else. I make the calls, send the letters and photos, send money, make sure everything is the way is should be an has to be - and I can't take care of the one thing that would make me happy today. The one thing - I am disappointed in myself.
I just started crying, I am not even sure why I started crying - I just did. There is no way to reverse my idiotic mistake it just is what it is. A friend told me, "sooo much easier for me to say but remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason, even missing that video visit request. I HATE it for u but for some reason, it wasn't meant to be for today."
It is something I may not want to hear, but it is true. I so wanted to just see Tom, but there is some reason it didn't work out today. Now it has pushed me into a paralyzing depression. I don't want to move today, just to sit here, lay here wait to go to sleep.
What a wise friend you have there. ;-) Don't forget, you are allowed to be depressed, cry, get angry...and feel your emotions. Its okay to be human, to want something for YOU for one day. Today is your day, its your party, you can cry if you want to. I've spent many bdays and holidays in tears. Just remember that tomorrow WILL be better. Only a few more hours till you get to see his face. Here are some words and encouragement and a happy bday shout out for a very strong woman: http://www.theprisonwife.com/1/post/2012/03/encouragement.html. Please call, text, email, message me if you need some support. You know when its my turn, I'll be calling on you. This is why we are all here and do what we do. Mustering up lots of love and strength just for you. xo
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