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I feel almost lost. It just hit the 10 p.m. and I wish I was closer to Cooper. I had dropped my car off in Salmon earlier in the week to get serviced and had thought I would pick it up Friday when Tom had to come back home to work. After almost two days of straight snow in Missoula, the roads can be pretty scary especially over Lost Trail Pass. So I debated whether I should stay home for the night or what I was going to do. Once Tom and I arrived in Salmon got my car, disassembled the Christmas tree and decorations I felt like rather than rushing to Missoula I would stay here. At this moment I am regretting that decision.
This is my first night away from Cooper. I hate it.
Even though if something were to happen I really wouldn't be able to do anything but it is still nice to know that I am close. Close to him. I feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable so far away. I have called his nurses several times already today just to make sure he was okay. And he is.
Is it nice being home? Yes. Very much so. I cannot begin to explain how much I miss home. My bed. My couch. My tv. My space. My kitchen. I miss it all. But I can't begin to feel "okay" being home while part of me is so far away. It's like a catch 22, I know I "need" a break and I deserve a break from sitting in the hospital all day, the beeps, being away from Tom but in the same sense I don't even want to be home. I want to come home with Cooper, not by myself. I feel like I am leaving him out. I feel pulled in so many directions, calls, text, feeling like I am sacrificing Tom for Cooper and Cooper for Tom - It is a lot.
I guess right now I am just complaining to complain. But I miss my baby boy.
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He is in good hands and so are you, you have been so very strong handling everything without a blink.... relax and let the NICU do their work tonight, Cooper can rest and so can Mommy and Daddy. Up late nights with Cooper at home are just around the corner. You need a night of downtime - may you all relax and rest well. Thinking of you, sending strength and positive energy, and big prayers ! Darlene
ReplyDeleteDon't worry Momma, we are all asking God to watch over him and so far God has been doing a great job. Cooper needs him Mom to be rested too!
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