No Way Back

When Tom was serving time in New Jersey I was so consumed by my countdown. Months, weeks, days. I was consumed with daydreams I once had of the future we would have, plans that I made by myself. The time shattered the plans, the daydreams - all of my high hopes. Since Tom has been home on a pre-trial release it has opened my eyes to the things that make us - US. To things that never mattered, like vacations, parties, hell other people. What mattered was us. Our relationship and the reality of our life. 

Sitting here right this very second with my husband laying on the couch is a blessing. I know what it is like to have my husband gone, away - not see him for over a year, celebrate our anniversary and birthdays apart, go through the ups and downs of the lifestyle. Now as time moves closer to his August 20 sentencing date, I can honestly say that the knot in my stomach becomes harder, and worse. I became use to the horrible phone system, the visits and sometimes lack off, the constant letters and 15-minute calls - but I can't begin to explain what's its like to "prepare."

Even though we are not for sure that Tom will go back to prison, it does run through your head. The what ifs. 

What if he went back? 
What if he gets years? 
What if it doesn't go in your favor? 

The what ifs can kill you. Today as I sat in the courtroom behind Tom, I began to re-think where we were to where we are. The trials and tribulations we have overcame. The struggles that have made us stronger. I know I am a strong woman. I am a strong wife. But this is wearing on me. It is hard. Sometimes I just want to cry, to allow the pain to leave my body. Yet I feel weak if I do it while Tom is home. I feel lucky to have him so why should I cry? I knew the time would come when Tom would have to report to the court for the charges, I was hesitant in liking the idea of him coming home early because of these feelings. I allowed Tom to make that decision on his own. While I didn't want him to come home to leave again, I wasn't the one in jail either.  August 20 will determine our lives. While it won't be our life forever it will have barring on our life in our forever. When Tom plead guilty its like lying almost because he never really "did" anything and hearing the word "guilty" is a no way back street. 

My heart hurts thinking of being able to lose Tom all over again. To be in and out and go in again, makes me sick to my stomach. All I want to do is cry, lose it - But I know I need to be strong for me, for Tom. Just because my husband is home doesn't mean that we are free and clear. That I don't hurt too. That we aren't still haunted by this. I am afraid of losing my husband. Adjusting to him being home has been a challenge, having to adjust if he has to leave will be even harder. It has been a difficult day, yet we need keep moving forward. 

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