Hell No

Posted by Tuesday, January 17, 2012 , , ,

"Hey baby! I didn't have much to say yesterday after the devastating news we got and I was just sick as hell. To come this far and then find out that it may be starting all over again. WTF is this shit going to end or what? I'm so tired of this shit! I've finally made up my mind that I am going straight and done with this shit and then to get hit with this. I don't know if I have another one in me. I'll be 31 next week and then if I get found guilty and sentenced to 3, 5 or 7 then what, come out at 34, 36, 38 and try to start a family? I can't do it! You look back in my letters and see where I wrote and said if I got to prison that I was done and that shit may still hold. I will be damned to make you suffer more and ask you to wait for me again. How selfish is that? You, only 25 no kids. Yeah right! I can't do that to you! I wouldn't. Now after I'm done and if we or you decide to get back together that is another thing. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart but sometime if you really love someone you just have to let them go. We will see what happens in the future but that is my view on it." January 7, 2012


"Talk about depressing! Today you told me my date dropped to the 26th, I would be home with you on that date that we expected. God damn it. Why does this shit happen to me? I'm finally come to the conclusion that I am tired of this lifestyle and yet bad things are still coming up. I'm tired babe, so tired. If it wasn't for you I would just give up right now! Be done with it all. I've done nothing since Friday but stress. I've never been there for Olivia's birthday yet. and how am I suppose to get custody of her with drug convictions and now a gun? No judge would ever do that. All my past charges I felt as though I deserved them but no this time, not this one. I'm just so sick and tired of this shit! what am I going to do? I can't do this! Its always better after I talk to you but I just can't get over it. Well, tomorrow is a new day. I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Love always and 4-life." January 8, 2012

It literally makes me sick. It brings back every single emotion January 6 brought.

Despair.
Depression.
Hopelessness.

To go so long and then to be slapped in the face with new charges was hard for me and I can't even begin to describe what it could feel like for my husband. To think he was so happy at one point, so happy just one week ago we had big plans for our future. He had high hopes for himself, but he just needs a break. One time. I have been advocating to Tom about being positive and strong during this time. And tonight, tonight I broke down. He could tell in my voice something was wrong, but I always try to be so strong for him, because if I am weak he worries, which brings more stress for him.

Today marks 300 days since Tom has been gone. 300. It doesn't seem like that long yet it seems like forever so far. It has been hard. I think a hard part of it for me has been being in love. I think its taken it toll on us not being able to see one another since April 11. How do you feel loved when you never see that person, 15-minute phone calls and letters just seem to be habit at this point. How are you in love with someone that you haven't seen in such a long time? I don't want to lose Tom and I know he doesn't want to lose me, but some days we struggle with these questions. At 25, with no kids, do I want to do 3-5 years knowing that I won't have children for that long, that my life will literally be put on hold until my husband comes home? Honestly, not at all. I don't think its something you sign up to do. But something I do want to do is support my husband. He sees it as selfish of him to ask me to stay while I see it selfish if I don't. What marry someone knowing the circumstances but then when it gets hard leave? No.

Is it hard? Hell yeah.
Do I regret it? Hell no.

Reflection

Posted by Sunday, January 15, 2012


As my husband "celebrates" his 31st birthday I sit and reflect over the past year. Today is actually one year that Tom and I have been together. It makes me smile. It makes me smile because it reminds me of just that night we began dating, how happy I was. How naive I was in the future that I would have with him.

The past 365 days have been amazing, really. Even though Tom has been gone for about 10 months of the year, the love we share is worth it. It may seem crazy or insane to read something like that - like really has it been so amazing to have him gone 10 months? Him being gone isn't necessarily the amazing part, the amazing part is in the past 365 days Tom and I have shared a special connection that we may have not experienced if he was home.

With him being gone so long, it has allowed us to share more than just dinner or drunks - it has mad us appreciate one another, trust each other and at the very least know each other like no other. I love that Tom and I know each other better than anyone else, we get each other. We know what we want, what we expect out of ourselves and from each other.

I was lucky enough to celebrate Tom's 30th birthday with him and while I wish I could at least see Tom today, I know he know's I love him. To him its probably not a "happy" birthday but its days like this that make you appreciate when you are finally together, or at least see one another.

Tom won't get a cake, hear the birthday song or be able to blow out his candles. But one day soon I hope to share more than a cake, or blowing out candles. We will share the love we have.

Posted by Sunday, January 8, 2012

At this point Tom and I are going to "balls to the wall" and we would appreciate your signature on our petition. Please follow the link below:

Fear

Posted by Saturday, January 7, 2012

The waiting game is the hardest part of being a prison wife. You wait for letters, for calls, for news, its always wait, wait, wait. Tom and I never really "waited" per say for his release date, for his potential situation we always kind of knew what was going on. But now, we will be waiting. Waiting for him to extradited. Waiting for a potential bond. Waiting for a trial. Waiting for a length of time.

Wait.

Its hard for me to explain the situation to people, in part it is my fault of what is now happening. Tom and I both knew this may happen yet we never thought it would. Here we are unknowing of the future, the future we had planned.

Its heart breaking to go 290 days and with only 19 days left, something is thrown into your face and now all the plans and dates that were set don't mean anything. Nothing. The plane tickets is useless, the phone still sits in the box unwrapped and the plans we had are put on the back burner for who knows how long.

This has created a sort of fear within me.

A fear of the unknown. I have no clue when my husband will be home. I have no clue to when we can finally start our lives together. The fear lives in my soul and creeps within my heart. The fear is deadly.

I am so afraid.

19 and counting

Posted by Friday, January 6, 2012



As the days wore down, Tom and I looked forward to a new beginning, to a fresh start and clean slate. Yeah we expected a few bumps in the road, a few here and there but we never thought that we could start over all over again. It seems like we have came to far and now to get this set back is devastating.

"Babe I need you to calm down," he says right off the bat, calm down? I didn't even know what was going on. Then the bomb. The bomb that his release in just 19 days was no longer a reality, the reality of the situation is that we have no idea when he is coming home. I dropped my head the tears fell. "I am so sorry babe, I am so sorry," he kept repeating. "I just keep hurting you," I can hear the crackle in his voice. We sat, on a day we should be rejoicing to almost being done, to crying with one another on the phone. He insisted he was so sorry, but he has nothing to be sorry for.

I felt like my heart was ripped out. To go 289 days then to realize we now have bigger problems and the time can no longer be predicted is sickening. It seems so unfair, unjust.

I am at a lose of words at this time. The only thing positive is the fact that Tom and I continue to have a strong bond, a solid foundation and an unconditional love.

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