The Power of Second Chances

Posted by Tuesday, February 4, 2014 , , , , , , ,


Second chances: another try after a mistake or failure.

So many people experience mistakes and failure, almost on a daily basis. A mistake could be made if my hand slips putting on eyeliner, when I accidently put in more flour than called for or making the wrong turn down the street. Failures could be measured by your struggles yet in my life, failures are sometime accompanied by struggled yet gives the opportunity for second chances.

In the past three years my life has drastically changed. My life went from right to left then backwards and forward again.

This time two years ago I was sitting home, probably blogging, missing my husband who at that time somewhere between New Jersey to Idaho in federal custody. We had just finished a "bid" in New Jersey and with hopes of him being release in January drastically changed when he was picked up for another charge we were fighting. Little did we know that our hard work and faith paid off when in April of 2012 he was released.

And there it was a second chance. What now? 

As a "former" prison wife, I know what its like to worry, to get excited for over mail, be under the everyday stress of not only being alone but doing it alone. I think every woman in that position have an idea of what is going to happen and what they want to happen but then life happens. You continue to live, to work and you get caught up in everyday things that those things you wanted to do or those things that you wanted to happen, haven't.

It's a completely different dynamic once your loved one comes home, I met my husband before he was incarcerated but once he steps outside the first time beyond those gates and walls you realize that you both have changed. And yes, its still him and you are still you, but something has changed. You both appreciate each other more because of what you and your husband just went through.

He now looks at life as though it can disappear at any moment, this is his second chance, and yet this is your second chance as well because in the long run you are his support, his love and most of all you are his wife. I almost took it on as a challenge, that his second chances were going to be my mission. And that is a mistake. Just like his mistakes he has to learn from them, so do I. In all instances you can't control every situation, you can't control what he does, what he says you can only control yourself. But for my personally, I felt as though I need to have some sort of control because lets be honest I just spent all that time, working double time, writing letters daily, having the headache from GTL, spending many nights alone, worrying and waiting - no one wants to do it again. No one. 

Looking back on the situation I wish I would have changed somethings, wish that maybe I took that time for me. In all that time I almost felt guilty if I didn't write or if I missed a phone call, but in reality it takes a toll on you. Who says we don't deserve one quiet night, a bubble bath, a book and a lite candle. Once my husband came home it was like, "whoa, you're invading my space." When it was his space too but I got to accustom to him being gone that now it was like a brand new fresh relationship and I wasn't sure if I was ready for him to spend the night, let along leave his toothbrush.

Now fast forward eight months, I gave birth to our baby boy four months early. Just in that time we were re-living and re-loving all over again, we got pregnant and had a huge stressful situation in front of us. And at that moment it was like, we got this, we've been through hardships before. But you never know what can or will happen next in your life. You will always be going through something, whether its children, job loss, a death in the family and you will look back and think, we got this.

That's the power of second chances. 

 Second chances give you the power to live again, to experience new things and experience the dreams you have always wanted to. 

Grateful

Posted by Saturday, March 30, 2013 , , , , , ,



The things you take for granted . . . someone else is praying for.
 Be grateful. 

Grateful is something that we have learned through the 14 weeks of Cooper being in the neonatal intensive care unit. Grateful for Cooper, for the strength he has continued to posses and the courage he has shown day after day. I couldn't be prouder of the little 5 pounder. Proud to show him off and for the world to know that my son, born 16 weeks early fought for his life for weeks, that he overcame tests, x-rays, brain bleeds, ultrasounds, breathing issues and more. That makes me proud. And I realize that this is just the beginning, now Cooper will have a whole life to be even stronger and more courageous. 

I couldn't feel anymore grateful. I know how lucky we are, how lucky we have become that Cooper not only got to walk out of those hospital doors but he left with his eyesight, no brain issues, formed perfectly, and just on oxygen. We are grateful. 

Cooper is so special to us. 

Every little cry, suck on his bottle is a blessing to us. We know how lucky we are. We know that there are families that aren't as lucky as we are, so we never take this experience for granted. While it wasn't ideal, it wasn't fun or pleasant - it was worth it. Every single worry, tear, sleepless night, scare, walk into the NICU - all of it was worth it. It was worth it all to have Cooper alive at home and growing. 

Birthday

Posted by Sunday, March 3, 2013 , , , ,

Four generations, Annette as a baby (left to right) her mother Michelle, grandmother Jackie and
 great grandmother Esther.


Turning 27 tomorrow, it has me reflecting on life, love, where I am and where I want to be.
This is not where I ever thought I would be in life. Once upon a time I dreamed of a life full of power at some swanky advertising company, married with kids in my early 20s, a tight knit and close living family with every holiday intermixed full of love and laughter. 

While my life isn't quite "that" I feel that I have accomplished some of that. 

I always thought that I would be married early and start having children early. Now at 27 Tom and I haven't been married for two years yet and we haven't even had the chance to bring Cooper home. Older and what I like to think as wiser, there is a perfectly good reason why I was lucky to have children later. 

I was able to meet and marry the love of my life. I was able to get to a decent place in my life including work, emotionally and maturity. And at 27 I know I have the tools of what it takes to have a child, especially one as special as Cooper. I may not work at a swanky advertising agency but I know my job and I am great at it. I have worked so hard for the past 5 years to be great at my job and it satifies me. 

The husband I have, I couldn't be more grateful for. He really is everything I wanted as a husband, loving, caring, funny, outgoing and just plain fun. 

Everyone goes through their own battles in life with trials and tribulations in hopes of making you a stronger version of yourself. I won't bore you with the tortures, the lies, or even my own bad decisions but in everyone is a truth and really an eye awakening moment in your decisions. I am not happy with all of them I have lied and betrayed friends and family but in the end I am me. 

I am happy with me. 

So this birthday is different for me, my very first birthday with a child yet the first birthday by "myself." Cooper and I will hang out all day together and while we will miss Tom being with us, there is always next year. 

At 27 I feel like my life is just now starting, a great husband, cutest kid, a good job and loyal friends and family. 






To the new year ....

Posted by Tuesday, January 1, 2013 , , ,


I honestly couldn't think of a better way to spend the first day of 2013 than with Tom and Cooper not to mention Tom holding Cooper for the first time today! Tom was nervous, didn't know what to expect, but little did he know all you need to do it sit there. Now just over 30 minutes into Tom's first kangaroo time, he is sleeping - well Tom and Cooper and both sleeping. It is so cute and precious. Father and son really together for the first time since Cooper was born 14 days ago. What a great moment shared between us.

26 weeks

Posted by Sunday, December 30, 2012 , , ,


Today little Cooper is 26 weeks, almost 14 days old. Wow, time has been going by so fast! It just seems like yesterday we had him! Today has been one of those two steps forward one step back days. Cooper's PDA seems to be closed for now which is fantastic (but it can reopen) and his antibiotics even went down, two good things. But over the last couple days that Cooper has had with being exubated, reintubated, prodded and poked his oxygen intake has increased. I hate it. I want to see the number go down, not up. And I will be honest, the numbers still aren't "that" bad, when I left the hospital tonight they were at 37, the lowest he can go is 21 that is room air. It is discouraging when yesterday he was at 23. They had to once again reposition his tube by half a centimeter.

Today I spend nearly 12 hours at the hospital with Cooper. I wasn't able to hold him, or really get any "touch time" because he has been messed with so much they were trying to limit it today. I feel so helpless when I am not able to do anything as the nurses have to over again and again take blood from his tiny little feet. Poor Cooper's feet are swollen and bruised from it all. On days like today it is hard for me to leave. I want to be there in case anything happens. Tom reassures me he is in good hands, which I don't doubt but still I want to be there especially on bad days. I know I can't always hold him but Cooper knows when I am there. He can hear my voice as I tell him good morning, and I am his mom, I should be there.

Dedicated to the one I love

Posted by , , , ,


"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," I almost feel like that saying could be a motto for Tom and I. We haven't even been married for two years and it's like we have been through the hardest times of our lives. After getting through almost a year and a half of a prison term and then seven months labor watch our greatest creation be poked and prodded to help save his life has been difficult to say the least. While Tom was away I felt like it was my responsibility to "take care" of everything, the homestead, myself and make sure he was comfortable. It was a long road but we survived and it did make us stronger. 


Now seven months after his release we are put into another stressful and consuming situation, yet this one is much bigger than us, because I am sure each of us would sacrifice for Cooper. 

While I life flighted to Boise, Tom was right there. Every step of the way. When my water broke and I was life flighted to Missoula, Tom was right there. Every step of the way. And I am sure some people are thinking, "Well of course, he should be." But this a major situation in our lives and it was the first Tom was even able to be there, besides you never know how someone will be or act until you are right there in the situation. 

So as the two grueling days of being in Missoula passed and Cooper was about to arrive, I began to break down. I was so afraid of the what ifs and what could happen to Cooper and if he would even make it. I know Tom was afraid too, but he comforted me in every sense. 

Once Cooper was born and even to this day honestly, I felt helpless. Here is our little baby boy born 16 weeks early and really because of me and my body and he couldn't come home, we couldn't really interact with him and he is tested, x-rayed, blood drawn etc. etc. Tom comforted me. 

I couldn't begin to really explain what it is like to expected the unexpected with your very own child but to also have such an amazing husband who carries ME through this. I have been a complete wreck. I cry over everything, everything. I am happy. I am sad. I am overwhelmed and I am stressed but I know Tom is right there with me. He rubs my back, wipes my tears and will just hug me. If it's a day when he is home, he will listen, try to understand and help in any way he can. 

The first time Tom had to leave Cooper and I to go home and work was torture, I cried the entire way home. But the day I finally got to see him again was amazing. I was more excited to see him that day then I was when I picked up from prison. It is this weird sense of "missing" him now that we have Cooper, it's like my family is broken while he is gone. 


But when Tom is here, everything makes sense. 

Tom has completely stepped up in a way I could never imagine. I know Tom is experiencing what I am experiencing. I know he is afraid, I know he worries and yet he rarely breaks down. He is continued to be a pillar of strength throughout this because I know there is a lot riding on his shoulders. Tom is juggling working in Salmon, traveling to Missoula every single week not to mention, his son in NICU and his wife away from home. I no longer work so Tom's income is it, and while it may not be a lot Tom is doing an incredible job. 

I always felt like I was lucky to have Tom but seeing him interact with Cooper only shows how lucky I really am. Tom loves little Cooper with his entire heart, I can see it when Tom talks to him, changes his diaper and holds his hand. I feel as though Tom has been such a strong man through all of this, and yes we have had some good cries but we never let the bad break us down. 


I am really lucky, because even though I am mom, Tom as dad as a lot of stress too. Because of Tom and his hard work and dedication I am able to see and "spend time" with Cooper every single day. And I know Tom would love to be able to be here. And while he is gone, he does miss out on some of Cooper's accomplishments and I feel bad for that. 

I know this situation won't always be "easy" on our marriage but at the same time I know we both have the skills and love for each other and Cooper to communicate, support and love deeply. 

So here's to my husband: 
Tom, thank you for everything you do not only for me and Cooper but for the sake of our family and marriage. You have truly been an inspiration to me personally, you have grown and conquered so much in the past few years I am nothing but proud to call you my husband. Thank you for your continued support and love even when I don't deserve it. Thank you for taking on more responsibilities during our tough times and never complaining about it. Thank you for always being right by my side or just a phone call away. You are my one and only, my rock, my support system and I love you for all of that and more. Thank you for being you. You truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am ever so lucky to call you my husband! 


Missing Daddy

Posted by Friday, December 21, 2012 , , , ,

Today was a "big" day for us, it was the day Tom would go home to work for a few days and I would come back to stay. We are in the process of figuring out our own routine of him coming and going and me figuring out what to do with my time. So today we spent our am with Cooper for touch time and then we headed out of town so Tom could work and I could get much needed clothes and hygiene products - things we have missed for about a week.

While packing my things, which seemed like all my things it just hit me, of how hard this will be. How much I will miss Tom and feel a little disconnected from the world. Don't get me wrong it is completely worth it, because Cooper is our priority - this situation is very overwhelming.

After packing and taking the three hour trip back to Missoula, I made touch time with Cooper. I took his temperature, sat with my finger upon his body and it didn't feel right without Tom there. I guess I never realized how much he supports me and how much I really do need him. I could barely keep it together in Cooper's room, missing Tom, wishing he could be there because I know he wishes he could be too. Not only did I miss Tom but Cooper did too.

What seemed to be perfect timing, while the nurse was cleaning out Tom's mouth, his right eye started to open.

There he was this little angel, so tiny and small, just with this tiny little opening of his eye. While he can't "see" me, he can see shadows maybe movement. The moment was special. Special because for us its a little milestone, something very precious. We didn't expect his eyes to open this early so it sure was surprise. He couldn't get his left eye open yet, so one will have to do. It was almost like Cooper was looking for Tom, he missed his daddy's "hey buddy."


* On a side note, Cooper's tests have come back good. Of course the NICU doctors and nurses say its two steps forward and one step back so we take everyday on with its new challenges *

Let it Snow

Posted by Wednesday, December 12, 2012 , , ,






Today I woke up to snowfall, lots and lots of it. I couldn't help but grab my new camera and shoot some pics, through a window of course but none the less take some pics! We live in such an amazingly beautiful town and this view is right out our bedroom window. While I am not a big fan of winter, at this point I would love to just walk outside a little, maybe just enjoy the snow and the cold. It seems to be hard for me to cope with this new way of life. I go from two jobs to no jobs to just hanging out at home, watching TV, writing, playing games whatever I can do to occupy my mind. Boredom is something I try to overcome every day. Finding something to do that is "rest and relaxed" since my walking is limited, Resting on the bed, the couch or reclined in a chair is my now permanent position until the baby comes. I know that in the long run this will all be worth it, but I most definitely need some patience. 

19 weeks of unknown

Posted by Monday, November 12, 2012 , , ,




It is such an amazing experience to not only know that you are creating life within your own body but to be able to see it, ahhh, in heaven. 
Seeing our little baby move, twirl, flip and spin on screen was so reassuring to me. Since I haven't been able to feel an actual kick or punch, seeing the movement and relating that to how I feel was great. Seeing the little heart pitter-patter on screen and to heart can be such an amazing experience. As a first time mom all of these things are not only new to me, but I don't even know what to expect. And as the baby was making its many movements there was a moment when it just opened its legs and for a quick second we could maybe guess the gender. To me there was a just a small white dot, while Tom was under the impression he may have seen more there. So at 19 weeks, it is inconclusive. It is still unknown whether we will bring a beautiful baby girl home or a handsome baby boy. While I want a girl and Tom wants a boy, we will be happy and blessed just t have a healthy baby, no matter what it is. 

Just a reminder

Posted by Tuesday, April 17, 2012 ,

"Do you know how much I love and adore you? Damn baby I love you so much! You are my everything and everyday, no matter how bad it is, as long as I wake up to you being my loving wife is a great day. The day I married you is the greatest day of my life! That is the is the greatest day of my life until the dame comes when I am released from this f**king hell I am living, day in and day out. I think that is the thing that is really keeping me going everyday now. Just the thought of me finally coming home to you is the greatest feeling I get in here. Damn I miss you so very much today its not even funny."

The Best Feeling In Life

Posted by Tuesday, April 3, 2012 , , ,

I was expecting something special from Tom this week since Saturday is our one year anniversary. It has gone by so fast, and I am not sure if I can blame that on the fact that he has been in jail the entire time or just everyday life. But none the less, it will very soon be a year. Its almost bittersweet because I am married to a great man. A great man. He is loving, caring, honest, appreciative and yet we don't see each other, we don't live with one another, we are apart. I actually received two letters today, and I read the "wrong" one first, which revealed what the other envelope contained. Tom apologized when he sent the letter because it wasn't what he has sent in the past. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be colorful, neatly drawn, because this time this came straight from him. No one else, just my husband and that is perfect, just fine actually. And it reads:

"The Best Feeling In Life 
The best feeling in life is waiting the sun rise, all while thinking of your big beautiful eyes. The best feeling in life is getting a letter, cause I know coming from you it will make me feel better. The best feeling in life is a phone call call that in the middle, I make you laugh even if it's just a little. The best feeling in life is when you come to see me, it makes me know how happy in life I will be. The best feeling in life is watching the sun set, it makes me feel as good as the day we met. The funny thing is that the best feeling in my life, is all those moments shared with my wife! 
Love Always and 4 Life! Your Husband! 
Thomas Cooper Lewis Jr. 
(4-7-11)"
This is the "best feeling in life." I can't even begin to tell you how in love I am with my husband. I don't need a "present," flowers, or dinner. I just need his love, that is perfectly fine for me, Mrs. Lewis. April 7, 2011 wasn't perfect, but it's our day, and I love that. Its a day when we can celebrate us, our vows and our undying, enduring love for another. Today, I feel pretty lucky to have such an amazing man.

Included with the poem was this was a disclaimer:
"Hey baby, its Friday afternoon and I'm mailing and I'm mailing out a cheesy poem for our one year anniversary. I don't really have much of a choice on what to get you for our anniversary but I figured this was something nice cause unlike the poems in the past, I wrote this one. I know its corny but I tried hard and it actually took me a week to write it. I hope you love it but I don't want you to frame it or anything, but just stick it in a scrapbook or something and keep it as a token of my love cause I think you are the only woman I have ever done that for. I wish I could have gotten you more, but once again lets hope for next year! I love you baby with all my heart and I always will. I haven't told you this in awhile but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really do appreciate everything that you do for me. Everything! Don't ever think different, I may not say it or show it all the time but I really do baby." 
- And he's the best thing that has happened to me - 

Rated R

Posted by Tuesday, March 20, 2012 , ,

Affection. Intimacy.

Two things that I haven't experienced for a year today (I only remember it, because it was three days before Tom was arrested which will hit a year Friday). The subject, sex that is, seems to be something "taboo" in a special circumstance that it is obviously an issue. Each situation is different. Some couples have an "open" relationship while others are 100 percent devoted to one another. Tom and I are Option B. 100 percent devoted. We are married and take our vows seriously. 

With that being said, men do think about sex at least once a day - some believe that it is every few minutes and I am not sure how to explain the lack of sexual attention or any real attention for that matter. But after awhile you "get used to it." I can't say it is necessarily easy yet it isn't really hard. Some people wonder, how do you go a year? Well I am most certain there are other women that have lasted a lot longer than a year and are still happily devoted to their husbands. 

Being devoted to my husband really isn't a choice, in my eyes. Marriage is more of the "choice" between the two. I chose to marry him which comes with the fact that I am faithful. To me personally choosing to have a "Rated R" life without my husband will only destroy us in the end. I choose to live a "Rated G" lifestyle because I know all my feelings, emotions, love and attention are going to my husband rather than a temporary situation. 

Sex may be a key component to a marriage, more or less intimacy is, but when you forced without it, you make due. You begin to focus more on emotional, mental rather than just physical. When your "better half" is on the inside of a prison wall you begin to realize that the intimacy you once craved and wanted is nothing compared to emotional connection you need. 

While the soft whispers, kisses, falling asleep together is nice - at this point my focus is falling in love with each other everyday between our ears. 

Deserving Love

Posted by Tuesday, March 13, 2012 , , , ,

When you sit and watch a love movie or hear a love song - you feel it, your hear it, you see it and then you realize is that you? That was me tonight watching the movie "The Vow." It seemed like everything they said either I related, I felt or I already knew. The love between the two characters was so real.

When you watch a movie like that every girl wants to be "that" girl - wants to hear those words and in the movie the vows they exchanged I wanted those to be my vows. 


"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call is home." Paige  

"I vow to love you. And no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other." - Leo
"Always find a way back to each other," were words that struck because in my own life I feel like I have lost not only who I am but my love with Tom. While we love each other, there comes a time when you realize that the reasons you fell in love, the things that used to keep you love can no longer exist. The little things that keep our relationship fresh can no longer happen. Its almost like you come to a stop, a pause - You don't want to hit rewind because trying to relive the past hurts to much, you are limited to the future to the fast forward button does no good.
"Life's all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever. But what if one day you could no longer remember any of them." - Leo
One thing I never want to do is forget. Forget how we met, how we fell in love or what keeps us at this point. I don't want to forget our own "moments of impact." Any of them, the good ones and even the bad ones. 
"I hope one day I can love the way that you love me." - Paige 
This made me think. Does Tom feel that. Being the "better" half on the outside of a prison relationship you sometimes feel as though you are the one giving it all, that you are the one "loving" all the time. And I have to admit, I sometimes feel that way. Does Tom love me as much as I love him? Does he love me as deep as I love him? When he finally gets home, will we make up time; can we make up time? 
"Everything that I fell in love with is still there." - Leo
While Tom and I go through the motions of our circumstances we still have those moments, "Ahh, it is still there," going beyond the phone calls, the "missing yous," the distance, the letters, just the fact that we are apart. Loving someone for who they are is what love is - loving them for everything great they have done for you and not giving up on the one wrong thing they have done. 

You Are Good Enough

Posted by Friday, March 9, 2012 , , ,

Moving from prison to jail, jail to prison Tom has met some very interesting men. Tonight when Tom called and we shared the "highlight" of our day, I ask if he liked his "bunkie." Something he usually mentions but hadn't seen he has been moved. Tom kind of chuckled and said, "He's got some stories." Of course my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know the stories! Tom began to share this man's, which I believe to be his "fantasy." His famous actress girlfriend, his father's famous beer company, his nicely padded bank account - and while this may all sound nice, I don't believe it. I laughed as the stories went on and on and on. 

Then Tom says, "I'm broke, I'm a piece of shit and I'm in jail." 

Okay . . . 

I of course quickly responded, "What." Reassured Tom, he isn't broke, he isn't a piece of shit and it doesn't matter that he is in jail. He says, "I have your money, I am broke. I am not good in here, it's not fair." I always try to stop and really think before I respond to things like this because it is important to me to make Tom aware that "this" isn't him. 

Tom is broke because he is in jail, obviously. But a piece of shit? No. Of  course I told him how much I love him, that it doesn't matter that he is in jail and he is not a piece of shit. Being in jail doesn't make you a piece of shit. Its circumstance. This still disturbs me hours later. 

I do truly believe that Tom thinks about himself like this, it breaks my heart. But he is so true in saying "It doesn't matter, as long as I have you at the end of the day I will be okay. I don't need money, I can be in jail but having you makes it okay. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have anything in here." I have to believe that at the end of this Tom can believe in himself, that he is good enough. That this current lifestyle does not define him, me or our relationship.

Proud in Prison?

Posted by Wednesday, March 7, 2012 , , ,

Prison has such a horrible stigma of being harsh, dark, evil. And yes, it can be - sometimes it harsh, sleeping on the floor, disgusting food and sometimes you are around some of the most intimidating individuals. The worst stigma to me, personally, is that everyone in prison is "bad." Believe it or not some are actually innocent, some actually get rehabilitated and a lot of them deserve to be living their lives, believe it or not.

So today when I check my mail, there was a big yellow envelope, addressed to Tom, even with his state numbers on it. It was from his facility in New Jersey - a teacher. So I anxiously opened it.

"Dear Thomas,
On behalf of NCCER, I congratulate you for successfully completing NCCER's Contren Learning Series Program. I also congratulate you for choosing construction as a career. You are now a valuable member of one of our nation's largest industries. The skills you have acquired will not only enhance your career opportunities, but will help build America. Enclosed are your credentials from the National Registry. These industry-recognized credentials give you flexibility in planning your career and ensure your achievements follow you wherever you go. . . . " 
This made me smile.

It makes me realize that in the past year Tom didn't just sit. He took as many classes as he could, he worked whenever he could. And that makes me proud. It's not always about how much money you make a year, because Tom's $15 a month wouldn't help much but it  was him. It made him feel better about himself, and that makes me proud of him. I am proud that he wants to a better person, that he wants to change that he doesn't want to be where he is. That is cares.

It ironic to go with the letter I got today as well.
"I just can't wait for the day to come when all this is finally over with and we can finally move forward with our lives together. I'm so sick and tired of this stuff! And when the day comes when they do release me, you can best believe I'm not looking back and I'm not coming back. I hear people all the time say three, five, or seven years of parole is a long time and they are bound to mess it up some where down the road all I can say is I wish they would give me some parole cause as long as you are in my corner I can pretty much, scratch that, I can can do anything I want to do. I love you with every ounce of my body and will to the day I die!" 
We have so much confidence in each other - it amazes me. Today I can't wait for Tom to call again, to tell him I love him and share this with him. Share the good news he received, how proud I am of him and we will be okay!

A Day in His Shoes

Posted by Thursday, March 1, 2012 , , , ,

"I will admit that in here all I have time to do is think and so you are always on my mind, but out there in the world you are so busy that it could be easy for you to forget about me or the good times. And when is your turning point? I don't have a turning point, I will always be in love with you! But if I get more time will that be your turning point? Will that be the point where you say, you can't handle it anymore? Lets be honest now, all the "I will always be there," is cool but will you be able to handle it? I wouldn't me mad, I'd be upset but I wouldn't be mad at you. I don't like hurting you and I don't like leaving you alone home and upset. I'm sorry if I don't say I love you or miss you enough but you are my everything and I appreciate every thing you say and do! Sometimes it is hard for me to express myself over the phone or on video visits but in person it would be a whole other story. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I'm trying to maintain my sanity in here for myself, you, Olivia and everyone else that is on side. I'm at my breaking point now and am trying to stay on this side. I don't know what to do! How would you handle it? Put yourself in my shoes for one minute, imagine spending a year in prison, bouncing across the U.S., facing three, five or seven years and then don't know where you're going if you are found guilty? How would you be handling it? I'm sorry babe if some days I'm distant or out of it. I love you with all my heart and really don't want to be hurting you." 

Maybe some women have it stuck in their head that if a certain amount of time came along they would leave or if something happened then that would be their "turning point." I don't know what the future holds for Tom and I - what I do know is that I married Tom for love, for life. While I may be "busy" with life on the outside but I always think about Tom - what he is doing, when he will call or even good memories with him. Sometimes I find myself just doing things, buying stuff to remember him and relive those memories. Do you think that I want to do this or this is something I planned? No. But my heart won't let me give up. Give up on him. On us. On any of it. 

I couldn't imagine what Tom is going through because as a wife, it's torture but in reality this is his life. Not knowing what is next is hard for me but to be Tom is unimaginable. Could you imagine getting your food wheeled in on a cart? Locked away for 19 hours a day? Limited communication? Never walking outside? Always on edge not knowing what you are leaving or what the next move is? 

 I couldn't.

I personally believe Tom is stronger than I ever would be or could be. He has served his time and now potentially facing more has to be heartbreaking. I know everything can't be exactly how I want it every single day, that would be delusional. What i do know is that we love one another, we are here for one another and in it for the long haul. So some days and some letters are not just perfect and lovey - sometimes you take hurt with the joy and pain with the love but in the end we will prevail. I know we will.

To Love

Posted by Monday, February 27, 2012 , , , ,


"Even when we are at our worst, I am better because I have you;
 I am better on my worse days when I have you than I ever was
 on my best days without you" 

These are words any woman wants to hear especially from her husband, just saying. But these are words that my husband encourages me with one my worst days, days when I need it. I know Tom loves me but when you come home every night alone, you go to bed alone and you wake up by yourself - some days it's hard to remember that you have a husband and that he loves you. Sometimes it's hard to express your frustration, anger or depression. I don't want to fight, I don't want to argue and I most certainly don't want him to worry about me, but some days I am not strong. Sometimes I need the reminder that even though he may not be here, he may not be able to kiss me on my forehead or hold my hands while he whispers, "I love you," but that doesn't mean he loves me any less. One of the hardest parts for me, personally, is sharing my struggles with Tom. I won't tell him that I cry while I write a lot of his letters or that tears run down my face as I write this - he will only know when he read this one day. It's important to always remember there was a place you started, a reason why we start this journey - it gets lost after time, you get to used to this. I still struggle with allowing Tom to know how I feel, 100 percent, I hate to make him worry. But tonight, it was really great to hear those words, at the right time. Because all of our days aren't perfect but they are better with one another - than without. And with that I will wipe my tears, slap a smile on my face, go to bed alone, to wake up by myself but to still love deeply, know love and be loved! 

10,000 Strong

Posted by Sunday, February 26, 2012 , , , ,


Hitting 10,000 blog views is very heartwarming in a sense that it truly is our life, the good, the bad and the ugly. Over the past 340 days we have experienced some of the best things in our life, like exchanging vows, falling in love all over again every week or some of the worst things like not seeing each other for 315 days or starting a new bid. No matter what I started this to share my story, my husband's story, our story with the world. With other men, other women, the wives, the girlfriends, the mothers and fathers of inmates. When I hear, "You're one of the strongest women I know," I always say thank you but there are so many more women that have been through more and have experienced more time. I know our story, Tom and I, is unique and but I am just living to survive. I have had to learn how to be strong, how to cope to not only being married but having my husband in prison. I have shared every step we have taken on this site or in groups that include fellow prison wives and girlfriends. I believe that the best therapy in this situation is to share your triumphs to share your struggles because that is when you will find others that can help, that can relate and it will allow you to come to reality with the situation. Writing my thoughts, my feelings, my everything down has truly allowed my to realize what I am in, what I am up against, how strong I am and how in love Tom and I are. So 340 days down, two very in love people, countless supporters and 130 blog posts - Thank you everyone for the comments, the shares and just for reading! I have had so many woman email me and contact my on Facebook just to share their story, say their read my blog and that to me is enough support. Thank you to each and every one of you. Below I have chosen my personal favorite blogs that I have posted over the past 340 days. Feel free to poke around read old blogs, comment and share!


Happily Ever After

Posted by Saturday, February 25, 2012 , , ,

Once upon a time seems to always start a love story, a love story that seems to be unrealistic of how perfect their life is and then the story ends with a "happily ever after." But what exactly is the happily ever after. Does that come when you grow old with someone? Or can is come earlier? Today while on the phone with my grandma she asked if we had still had plans of a formal wedding, one in which we planned for hopefully during the summer of 2012. The plans have been put on hold especially since Tom wasn't released when we expected. When I explained to my grandmother that our plans were cut short she said, "OH honey, I don't want you to miss out." And then I thought about it. I am missing out. What about my happily ever after? In the past 340 days I have sacrificed for a man that I love. To some people it is an ultimate sacrifice while to others its a dumb decision. Honestly, I think both. Some days I wonder how I function. How I manage to pay bills, support Tom, make sure he is taken care, that I can work over 40 days straight, but I make it work - I do it. Other days I wonder what the hell am I thinking - I have dedicated the better part of an entire year to Tom, a man in realization I barely knew. I took vows with someone that I thought would be in home in three months, 11 months later I still sleep alone. So what if I never get my happily ever after? At this point I get a lot of questions of where is Tom, what is new with Tom, etc. And most of them always end with, "He better appreciate what you do." I want to think he does, I want to hope he does but of course some days I have to ask myself that. I have to wonder does he realize the sacrifice? Does he wonder about my happily ever after? I know I deserve it but I want it to be with him.

When it isn't all perfect

Posted by Friday, February 24, 2012 , , , ,


Marriage isn't perfect, everyone married knows that it. It takes effort, everyday. Every single day. Today it has taken a lot of it. And of course everyone has their little arguments and disagreements, but unlike other couples - we can't walk away and come back to talk about later. It's "You have one minute remaining," and then silence.

Crickets.

Then I have to wait for him to call back, once we have cooled down to come back again and talk about it. Which again is another 15-minute call. But luckily Tom and I have developed good communication skills so when an argument does happen we can talk about it and snap back to us.

Like tonight.

So even though we don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on a particular issue, we have to move on, we need to. We need to move on because what other choice do we have, waste another 15-minute call for $4.65 per call? Sit there and argue back and forth? I have realized that it is a waste, even if he was home. Be mad over some that will be meaningless tomorrow? You have to let go, especially in these circumstances. There comes a time in your life when you stop what you're saying, and think. Think about not only what your saying but what you're doing. Unless you are arguing over something really damn important, why do it? You have to analyze whether what the issue is, is even worth the energy. Tonight it wasn't. Tonight was a little off but it's all good. You have to remember not to let it get to you, and keep it moving.

Nothing is perfect. But it is alright.

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