TNA - Our Life

When you watch a movie like that every girl wants to be "that" girl - wants to hear those words and in the movie the vows they exchanged I wanted those to be my vows. 

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call is home." Paige  

"Always find a way back to each other," were words that struck because in my own life I feel like I have lost not only who I am but my love with Tom. While we love each other, there comes a time when you realize that the reasons you fell in love, the things that used to keep you love can no longer exist. The little things that keep our relationship fresh can no longer happen. Its almost like you come to a stop, a pause - You don't want to hit rewind because trying to relive the past hurts to much, you are limited to the future to the fast forward button does no good.

One thing I never want to do is forget. Forget how we met, how we fell in love or what keeps us at this point. I don't want to forget our own "moments of impact." Any of them, the good ones and even the bad ones. 

This made me think. Does Tom feel that. Being the "better" half on the outside of a prison relationship you sometimes feel as though you are the one giving it all, that you are the one "loving" all the time. And I have to admit, I sometimes feel that way. Does Tom love me as much as I love him? Does he love me as deep as I love him? When he finally gets home, will we make up time; can we make up time? 

While Tom and I go through the motions of our circumstances we still have those moments, "Ahh, it is still there," going beyond the phone calls, the "missing yous," the distance, the letters, just the fact that we are apart. Loving someone for who they are is what love is - loving them for everything great they have done for you and not giving up on the one wrong thing they have done. 

Hitting 10,000 blog views is very heartwarming in a sense that it truly is our life, the good, the bad and the ugly. Over the past 340 days we have experienced some of the best things in our life, like exchanging vows, falling in love all over again every week or some of the worst things like not seeing each other for 315 days or starting a new bid. No matter what I started this to share my story, my husband's story, our story with the world. With other men, other women, the wives, the girlfriends, the mothers and fathers of inmates. When I hear, "You're one of the strongest women I know," I always say thank you but there are so many more women that have been through more and have experienced more time. I know our story, Tom and I, is unique and but I am just living to survive. I have had to learn how to be strong, how to cope to not only being married but having my husband in prison. I have shared every step we have taken on this site or in groups that include fellow prison wives and girlfriends. I believe that the best therapy in this situation is to share your triumphs to share your struggles because that is when you will find others that can help, that can relate and it will allow you to come to reality with the situation. Writing my thoughts, my feelings, my everything down has truly allowed my to realize what I am in, what I am up against, how strong I am and how in love Tom and I are. So 340 days down, two very in love people, countless supporters and 130 blog posts - Thank you everyone for the comments, the shares and just for reading! I have had so many woman email me and contact my on Facebook just to share their story, say their read my blog and that to me is enough support. Thank you to each and every one of you. Below I have chosen my personal favorite blogs that I have posted over the past 340 days. Feel free to poke around read old blogs, comment and share!

Traded It All Miss You so Much Forever and a Day When you really need it Enough If you're a bird

The butterflies, my heart racing, the nervousness and anxiousness that overwhelmed me this morning was intense. As I sat there watching the clock tick, I couldn't believe that after 315 days I would actually be seeing my husband. 315 days. It is unbelievable to me some days

- that I haven't seen him for that long, because it feels like forever while at the same it doesn't seem that long at all. So when the clock hit 9 a.m. and there he was. I could feel my smile grow, ear to ear and his smile exceeded mine. "Hey babe," while I have heard that several times in the past 335 days, seeing him while he said it was nice. While the visit may not be in person - seeing him, hearing him and watching him talk was worth it. Sitting there watching him watch me, that in itself was amazing. I couldn't imagine what kind of affect

that video visit would have on me. I thought for sure I would cry, amazingly enough, I didn't maybe it was the fact that he could see me, I could no longer try and muffle my tears like I could over the phone, but maybe it was because I was happy. Happy to see him - to see his smile, watch him laugh - just happy. After our quick 25 minutes passed, I sat and played back the visit in my head, what we talked about what we shared and it hit me how much I really needed that. I needed that like really bad. The past month has been horribly hard on me. Tom has been moving on an average every five days, where new rules, new pin lists, more waiting, more money and it made me think - how long can I do this? We got into a habit while he was in New Jersey, when he would call, when to expect letters and for the past 25 days it has been "wonder where he is?" or "when will he call?" and for him it's "where am I goin

g?" or "what is next?" I have never shared this with Tom, but I questioned my strength and my own courage in this. It has been a struggle for almost a year and it has slowly taken its toll on me. I wondered how much more I could endure and handle in this situation, if I was strong enough to continue on this journey in which I have no idea when it may end. I questioned our love, because in reality, it's an adjustment to be married, especially when you have only seen that person five days of your marriage or it consists of phone calls and letters. So today, seeing him, seeing the life in his eyes made me realize why I started this. Laughing with him, reminded me why I married him, why I love him. Seeing him reminded me how much I miss him, after awhile you almost forget what they look like. And while I may struggle this rare journey I have chosen for my life, I must remember this is my husband. I married him for love, love that consumed every ounce of my body. That the love we share is something rare, something I have never had with any other single person. So when I say I really needed that. I really did. I needed to see his smiling face. I needed to watch him say, "I love you," because while I know he does love me, I needed to see it. I needed it. It was amazing and I couldn't be any happier today. I am grateful today. Grateful for an amazing husband and a fantastic shared love and I am looking forward to our two video visits tomorrow!

Tom and I are now in limbo. He is in a facility waiting to be extradited from this facility maybe to another but finally, hopefully, landing in Idaho. This is all a part of the waiting game. You wait for the sentence, you wait for the time, you wait for the calls, the letters, you wait for the release - you just wait. But we are thankful that one day down mean another day closer to hopefully seeing each other SOON!

One thing good is where he is we can correspond via computer, similar to email. Which is especially nice when we are limited to 300 minutes a month and we were spoiled with the last facility talking as much as we wanted. Now since we have no clue when or where he can move we have not sent hand written letters and have stuck to the emails. It is nice to get the little notification that you received a message and its him right now (well about two hours later) and how he is feeling rather than reading it four days later. Like today's.

Its little things like this that makes us - well us. Of course the entire message isn't enclosed above, we need to keep some to "us" but he is always so in love with me and as I am with him. And he is right I would be "laughing my ass off" at him. I think thats what keeps us together and somewhat sane - the humor.

The humor is something a lot of couple loose along the way. We can still make each other laugh whether its during our short 15-minute phone calls or in any of our letters. Just another reason why I love that man. He can always put a smile on my face.

"Have I told you that I love you yet today? Well if I haven't I LOVE YOU! And of course I miss you, terribly! Did you know I love you so much I'd walk across the country, swim the deepest waters, hike the highest peak just to tell someone I love you. Did you know you are my everything? Every day I wake up and thank God for having you, someone so supportive loving, respectful, caring, honest and more. Everything I need you have. Every night is lonely some nights its borderline suicidal but I sit back and think why would I want to give up something so wonderful so easily! I would be LOST without you. Over 100 letters exchanged, three months, four days, endless number of phone calls, seventeen visits, four concrete walls, one jealous ex, one glass window - is a basic rundown of all the things that have tried to come between us. Nothing will break us because what we have was meant to be. I am going to embrace this difficult time as just another test of our marriage's character. And another test means another triumph babe! I stay strong because I have a strong husband, I don't break because my husband is never broken. And together as a team the strength we have can overcome anything! I love you so much. Love, isn't it wonderful? God, I never imagined I could be so in love and it could be and feel so great! I am so lucky to have you babe!" July 14, 2011

I rarely share what I write, partly because I send them before I have time to sit and reflect. I wrote that letter six months ago, not a lot of it has changed, but some has. What has changed is my strength. Reading, "borderline suicidal" reminds me of how much I really struggled. I really missed Tom at the beginning of this, and yes, I still him but I have learned, I have trained myself how to deal with it. Some nights I still cry when I go to bed, rollover and wish he was there but in reality I want to live because he lives. I can't even explain what this lifestyle feels like, only a fellow wife could understand, but while it isn't glamorous or even accepted by most, I don't regret it.

I never regret marrying Tom because everything I wrote in July is true, still to this day. People wonder how Tom can be supportive in this situation but worried more about me than he does about himself. He is caring, loving and respectful - things you always want in a spouse. Past the 100 days, forget the glass, the concrete walls, phone calls and letters - Tom and I will always be able to triumph because of our honesty and our trust. I never look back and wonder what if, I wonder how come. I am happy that I listened to the "whispers of my heart" and became Mrs. Lewis because this love, this love is really amazing. That hasn't changed.

Tom and I haven't seen each other in over 220 days, I have lost count but when it comes down to it, these 200 something days are nothing compared to the forever we will have together. With that being said, I am still married to a strong man which makes me strong and I am not broken because he is not broken. We continue as a team to this very day even with the continuous struggles we have. My heart will never let me leave him. My heart continues to miss him and love him dearly. My heart whispers every night, "Goodnight babe, I love you," and my heart can hear his saying the same thing.

I never want to lose the whispers.

"Have I told you that I love you? I do, you are the only one who has been there everyday through all this! You are the only one to listen when I have a bad day or laugh when I have a good day. The one to write me everyday and send pics to me. You picked me up when I was down. I love you so much babe, I'm proud to call you my wife! I don't know what I would have done through all this without you! You made me such a better man through this. Thank you for everything babe!"

While this isn't the lifestyle I dreamed of or necessarily wanted - this is me and experiencing this has made me strong. Tom has made me a better person. He has showed me true love, the communication, the honesty and just the love he has is what makes me fall in love all over again. And while Tom doesn't "expect" me to stick around he knows I can do it, he reassures me of my strength. "You have been so strong babe, look how far you have come and you are still not giving up," he is part of my strength. He says he will never be able to "repay" me but all I ask for is his love, forever, because being happily married to him is plenty enough in my book.

I am a stronger woman because of the determination and real love I have for my husband, point blank period. I am stronger because I have a strong spouse, and together we are capable more than we probable know.

So this is what it feels like. I have to say I really thought that today would be hard for me. I thought that maybe I would breakdown, hurt from within, yet I feel confident - I feel strong. Maybe I cried all the tears I could this week days ago - maybe I am just content with the actions moving forward - but for whatever reason I happy right now. I know that my husband has finally put New Jersey behind us, it is no longer apart of "us" or our marriage, that I am thankful for. Tonight I am not sure where my husband is laying his head, all I can hope is that he is as comfortable as he can be, warm as can be and content. I am thankful for the fact the he is moving his way towards me and after 290 days I will finally see him. That I am thankful for. I feel strong in my marriage, in my relationship with a fantastic man. I feel confident that his smile will make my world 100 times better, I cannot wait. I am grateful that one way or another I will see him, I will finally get to see that smile, lock eyes and that I am thankful for. It seems as though we waited decades for this day, this very day, January 26 yet it was stolen from us. The happiness, the excitement - our time was stolen and while it may not seem fair to us, we are still alive, we still have each other- that I am thankful for. I am confident that Tom and I will be together, one way or another.

I know I haven't thought about you a lot, thanked you for anything lately but right now I need you. I am sorry I left you long ago when I thought church was over rated and my dislike for mass seemed overbearing. I thought maybe you would still watch over me while I continued on my day-to-day life. Sorry I haven't made time for you. Right now I need you. You see, my nights are sleepless, my mind in constantly running, headaches seem to be normal now rather than a problem and the tears come for no reason. While I haven't been the perfect child, I really hope you can help. The past ten and a half months haven't been easy. It went from three months to over ten months and now here we are facing something that is bigger than New Jersey, bigger than the ten months. I know Tom hasn't been perfect in his life and to be honest, there is probably more than even I know but this one time Tom was honest, he is now going to be punished for it. I know you know the love I have for Tom in my heart, and his love for me. I am not asking for a perfect outcome I am just asking for something better than we hope. We try to keep our faith that everything will be okay, but the light at the end of the tunnel is pretty dim. I want to have children, but I want to have children with my husband. We had high hopes and wanted a bright future, in what would be tomorrow. While we haven't made the perfect decisions in our lives, either one of us, both together as a couple and individuals - we need the chance to be happy. We have moved leaps and bounds to become not only a couple, but to have a honest, open relationship where we rely on each other and love each other more every single day. I know you have a plan, but I ask you to please allow that plan include Tom and I together to live happily and free - soon. I don't want to make promises of what would happen if we were okay or what wouldn't happen if weren't okay because I would still love you but please consider allowing Tom and I to love one another in the presence of one another. Please I just want my husband home.

Love,

Annette Lewis

Hope, wishes, dreams, promises not to give them up - this has been our world for the past 162 days. When my husband and I first started this journey we thought we would be reunited just a few months, 90 days, we were hopeful to keep it together within that short period of time. In the mean time our love, our dedication has been put to the test. Our 90 days soon turned into a bout 340.

154 days spent sleeping alone in bed

154 days without breaking bread together

154 days without a conversation being recorded

154 days filled with lined paper and 44 cent stamps

154 days of waking up alone, falling asleep alone and just feeling alone

154 days of unknowing what the future really had for us

Today, Tom has been away for 154 days to be exact. 154. It seems like forever yet its just a few months. 154 days, I don't even know what its like to lay next to him anymore, not to mention I haven't seen him in 143 of those. Sometimes I sit, close my eyes and try to imagine his face, the way he laughed, the way he looked at me - yet those times seem to only come in my dreams which I soon forget them, and the feeling they give me. While Tom has been gone for 154 days, he has 155 left. Yes, only 155. Which means today is halfway. Today is the day we have reached the top of that mountain, now to only descend to the bottom, which is a positive!

155 days until I can really hug him

155 days until I can finally fall asleep in his arms again

155 days until I realize why I have been doing this the whole time

155 days until I can spend my first night with my husband

155 days until I can be free, and really happy again

I have been looking forward to our halfway mark. Having a countdown of how many days he has left and a count up of how long he has been gone on my phone, I seemed to have plagued myself of the constant reminder of this. BUT starting tomorrow, he will have less days to serve then he has been gone, thank you Jesus!! See a number like 340, 250 etc etc is so overwhelming and to finally get to a place where we are on the other end is a great feeling. Lets be honest 155 days may seem short to others, long to others - but none the less, I am happy that in just a few months he will be home. And when he is finally home, I will feel on top of the world rather than a mountain. This is a real test of love, whether it is decades, years, months, weeks, like Tom says you can really see who is on your side once you get locked up. I know in 155 days this nightmare will be over and we will finally be able to live of our lives without fear. I can't wait. Only 155 days.