Proud in Prison?

Posted by Wednesday, March 7, 2012 , , ,

Prison has such a horrible stigma of being harsh, dark, evil. And yes, it can be - sometimes it harsh, sleeping on the floor, disgusting food and sometimes you are around some of the most intimidating individuals. The worst stigma to me, personally, is that everyone in prison is "bad." Believe it or not some are actually innocent, some actually get rehabilitated and a lot of them deserve to be living their lives, believe it or not.

So today when I check my mail, there was a big yellow envelope, addressed to Tom, even with his state numbers on it. It was from his facility in New Jersey - a teacher. So I anxiously opened it.

"Dear Thomas,
On behalf of NCCER, I congratulate you for successfully completing NCCER's Contren Learning Series Program. I also congratulate you for choosing construction as a career. You are now a valuable member of one of our nation's largest industries. The skills you have acquired will not only enhance your career opportunities, but will help build America. Enclosed are your credentials from the National Registry. These industry-recognized credentials give you flexibility in planning your career and ensure your achievements follow you wherever you go. . . . " 
This made me smile.

It makes me realize that in the past year Tom didn't just sit. He took as many classes as he could, he worked whenever he could. And that makes me proud. It's not always about how much money you make a year, because Tom's $15 a month wouldn't help much but it  was him. It made him feel better about himself, and that makes me proud of him. I am proud that he wants to a better person, that he wants to change that he doesn't want to be where he is. That is cares.

It ironic to go with the letter I got today as well.
"I just can't wait for the day to come when all this is finally over with and we can finally move forward with our lives together. I'm so sick and tired of this stuff! And when the day comes when they do release me, you can best believe I'm not looking back and I'm not coming back. I hear people all the time say three, five, or seven years of parole is a long time and they are bound to mess it up some where down the road all I can say is I wish they would give me some parole cause as long as you are in my corner I can pretty much, scratch that, I can can do anything I want to do. I love you with every ounce of my body and will to the day I die!" 
We have so much confidence in each other - it amazes me. Today I can't wait for Tom to call again, to tell him I love him and share this with him. Share the good news he received, how proud I am of him and we will be okay!

Strong Prison Wives

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Sometimes you meet people that are instant friends. People that you get along with, see eye to eye and just feel comfortable with, meet Rosanne, aka The Prison Wife. A blogger (which I was losing hope in the fact the other women in this situation actually blog) and fellow prison wife. It was like a breath of fresh air literally!

She initially stumbled on my other blog, Strong Prison Wives (strongprisonwives.blogspot.com) and wanted to be a contributor! I love reading what other women are going through, because I am probably going through it too. Rosanne and I quickly became friends and I shared with her my "ideas" of what Strong Prison Wives should be. And with amazing encouragement and her great ideas - she and I have teamed up as co-founders to launch Strong Prison Wives (www.StrongPrisonWives.com).

We have BIG plans, amazing ideas. It will be a site for women, by women! So please like us on Facebook (www.Facebook.com/StrongPrisonWives)  and if you are interested in become a mentor let us know!




One of those days

Posted by Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sometimes, somethings don't work out as planned - today is one of those days for me. 

Tom and I, March 2011 
Today, as I "celebrate" my 26th birthday it only makes me think of where Tom is, what he is doing, why he isn't here and where we were just one year ago. One year ago, we took a weekend for "us." Had a great dinner, a day of shopping but the time we spend together it something I could never forget. It was really the time, I think personally, was the best time we had together. Forget it was "my birthday" weekend, forget it. The laughs, the smiles, the conversations - now looking back I feel lucky it happened, because just 19 days later Tom was arrested. 

This year there was no dinner with Tom, no day of shopping, really any laughs or smiles. It seems like it is just another day of the life of a prison wife. Wake up lonely, sit in the house alone. No lights on, curtains closed. 

The one thing that I was looking forward to was our two video visits. Something I was really looking forward to. Over everything else, since Tom can't physically be here, the video visits is what I "wanted" for my birthday. When Tom called to wish me Happy Birthday, asked to make sure I accepted the visits, and there it was "invitation has expired." Perfect. Since I didn't do it yesterday, our planned video visits for today, are no longer. 

I could feel myself getting irritated, mad and it wasn't Tom's fault but I was upset. Upset that I can take care of everything for everyone else. I make the calls, send the letters and photos, send money, make sure everything is the way is should be an has to be - and I can't take care of the one thing that would make me happy today. The one thing - I am disappointed in myself. 

I just started crying, I am not even sure why I started crying - I just did. There is no way to reverse my idiotic mistake it just is what it is. A friend told me, "sooo much easier for me to say but remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason, even missing that video visit request. I HATE it for u but for some reason, it wasn't meant to be for today." 

It is something I may not want to hear, but it is true. I so wanted to just see Tom, but there is some reason it didn't work out today. Now it has pushed me into a paralyzing depression. I don't want to move today, just to sit here, lay here wait to go to sleep. 


All we need is love

Posted by Friday, March 2, 2012


Some of the best days are days when you get a call when it wasn't planned or a letter that was expected, which was my day! Tom and I talk every day but while he has been moving around the country our daily letters have turned into a weekly occurrence. I received a letter earlier in the week so when I opened my mailbox, bills, advertisements and then BAM - there it was an unexpected letter. My smile grew and I began to rip open the envelope by the time I got to the car! I was so happy in that very moment. 

You never takes a long letter to make your day, hell he could send just the envelope and I would be happy. Just knowing that he is thinking of me, putting in the effort makes me happy. Then to open it and read the following made me even happier:

"I am yours and you are mine for the rest of our lives! I love you more than I have every loved anyone else. I am lucky to have you and am thankful for everything you have done for me. I've been telling everyone about you going to Canada next year and being a guest speaker and I think people are really jealous of how good you are to me. I think people wonder how a guy like me could get so lucky with a girl like you and I honestly don't know but I am thankful for it. Hell I must have done something right along the way to get you, I don't know what it was but if I could I would do it a thousand more times!"

Sometimes you get caught up in the every day life of taking care of the house, work, worrying about him, phone calls, letters, money orders etc. etc. But sometimes its nice to sit, literally sit down and read something like this, because this is us - our life and I love him. Love. Its an amazing thing! Isn't it? 

A Day in His Shoes

Posted by Thursday, March 1, 2012 , , , ,

"I will admit that in here all I have time to do is think and so you are always on my mind, but out there in the world you are so busy that it could be easy for you to forget about me or the good times. And when is your turning point? I don't have a turning point, I will always be in love with you! But if I get more time will that be your turning point? Will that be the point where you say, you can't handle it anymore? Lets be honest now, all the "I will always be there," is cool but will you be able to handle it? I wouldn't me mad, I'd be upset but I wouldn't be mad at you. I don't like hurting you and I don't like leaving you alone home and upset. I'm sorry if I don't say I love you or miss you enough but you are my everything and I appreciate every thing you say and do! Sometimes it is hard for me to express myself over the phone or on video visits but in person it would be a whole other story. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I'm trying to maintain my sanity in here for myself, you, Olivia and everyone else that is on side. I'm at my breaking point now and am trying to stay on this side. I don't know what to do! How would you handle it? Put yourself in my shoes for one minute, imagine spending a year in prison, bouncing across the U.S., facing three, five or seven years and then don't know where you're going if you are found guilty? How would you be handling it? I'm sorry babe if some days I'm distant or out of it. I love you with all my heart and really don't want to be hurting you." 

Maybe some women have it stuck in their head that if a certain amount of time came along they would leave or if something happened then that would be their "turning point." I don't know what the future holds for Tom and I - what I do know is that I married Tom for love, for life. While I may be "busy" with life on the outside but I always think about Tom - what he is doing, when he will call or even good memories with him. Sometimes I find myself just doing things, buying stuff to remember him and relive those memories. Do you think that I want to do this or this is something I planned? No. But my heart won't let me give up. Give up on him. On us. On any of it. 

I couldn't imagine what Tom is going through because as a wife, it's torture but in reality this is his life. Not knowing what is next is hard for me but to be Tom is unimaginable. Could you imagine getting your food wheeled in on a cart? Locked away for 19 hours a day? Limited communication? Never walking outside? Always on edge not knowing what you are leaving or what the next move is? 

 I couldn't.

I personally believe Tom is stronger than I ever would be or could be. He has served his time and now potentially facing more has to be heartbreaking. I know everything can't be exactly how I want it every single day, that would be delusional. What i do know is that we love one another, we are here for one another and in it for the long haul. So some days and some letters are not just perfect and lovey - sometimes you take hurt with the joy and pain with the love but in the end we will prevail. I know we will.

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