Future

Posted by Sunday, February 12, 2012 , , , ,


Three days have passed since I have talked to Tom. I yet to know where he is or what is the next step in our journey. It has dawned on me that Tom will most likely be arraigned this week which will be followed by a detention hearing. A detention hearing which could allow to come home in the period of time to handle this new charge. I have overwhelming feelings of what this could mean.

In one hand this means Tom could possibly be home soon. Or it could mean that he would continue to serve time in the mean time.

I feel like I can't put my feelings on the line to be let down - again. We have been here before, the excitement, the plans and at the end we were let down. But deep down I want to be excited I want to look forward to it and maybe make the plans again. I want so hard to be optimistic.

This may be a little controversial but in a way I am afraid to leave this lifestyle. With the opportunity that Tom may come home its overwhelming in the sense that I won't be doing what I have been doing in the past 326 days. I have become so accustom to this lifestyle with letters, phone calls, crying to sleep, the quiet of the night, sleeping alone, eating alone - now what? Its very overwhelming for me. And here I sit telling the world about it. I feel like silly for admitting my fear yet feel empowered from it. I am curious of what it would be like to come home from work with a husband at home, someone to talk to or just to look over at.

Yet what if he can come home for awhile but has to leave again. It is hard to deal with losing someone to prison. It is hard to adjust to the lifestyle and its not fun by any means.

I know no matter what the conclusion, home or not, I will continue to be strong, Tom will continue to be strong. It may take time to recover and recoup - figure out our strategy. I want my husband home more than anything but I have to continue to have this wall. A wall that has continued to rise over the past 11 months, it protects me from others yet allows me to be comfortable enough to be brave and strong in my own right.

So I will start another week in this lifestyle hoping that it could be my last. Hoping for at least a phone call by tomorrow to allow me to prepare for our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Lewis.

On the move

Posted by Saturday, February 11, 2012 , , ,


The days that go by without a phone call, without a letter are torture. They are torture because in this lifestyle it isn't "no news is good news." No news could me lock downs, fights, moves, the SHU or in transit. So here we are, I didn't hear from Tom at all yesterday which of course is odd since he calls a few times a day and no emails it could only mean one thing - he's on the move. Of course nothing is usually updated the day off, they never want you to really know. This morning next to Tom's name is read, "IN TRANSIT."

What a good feeling yet overwhelming and nerve-wrecking. It is such an amazing feeling because I haven't seen Tom since April 11, 306 days and I will see him very soon. And that same amazing feeling is overwhelming because I haven't seen him in 306 days. At this point I should be packing my bag, gassing up my car and ready to be the first one in the doors to visit him, yet I'm not.

I feel like we have been here before. Like this is deja vu. Like I have been here before, not necessarily so close in days of seeing him but the chance was there, the excitement was there and now I am afraid to feel those feelings. I am afraid to be excited because I don't want to be let down. I don't want to be hurt anymore than I have to - isn't that a silly statement in this lifestyle? It hurtful almost daily. I feel as though I need to cut my own feelings short to be strong for me and Tom and to keep this wall up so I can continue to be strong.

Now I am patiently waiting for my phone to ring, and hoping his voice will be on the other end. I hope he has news that he is in Idaho, closer to home. That we know when arraignment will be to prepare for our future.

Lilies & Roses

Posted by Wednesday, February 8, 2012 , , , , ,

Just when I though Tom and I have reached our potential in this situation, we talk as much as we are allowed, write as much as we can and letters and special cards have been exchanged. Even though it seems as though Tom and I have done everything we can and experienced as much as we possibly could, there is always something that just hits you wrong or just stings. While Tom and I both experience different things, one inside the walls and one on the outside, but we both recognize the pain and hurt of our circumstances. And we are both open and honest with one another - with that being said, I have struggled in my own this week. Realizing that next week my husband could be home or the potential of him being home is there. It is very overwhelming because of the fact that its like we have been here before, yet we are starting a whole new bid. It's not a good feeling by any means and to me its kind of hard to handle and I can't imagine what Tom is feeling.


Tom, being the wonderful man he is, is always there to listen and to support me no matter what. That is what is so special about our relationship and I am grateful for that. So while at work I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers, lilies and roses - my favorite. Of course Tom can't physically do this himself, considering the fact that he is in prison. He called his mom, expressed to her that he felt he needed to do something for me that I was struggling this week and he wanted to send me lilies and roses. Luckily I have an amazing mother-in-law who didn't blink an eye and there they were. The lilies weren't even open yet, the roses pretty in pink - they were perfect. Perfect because it wasn't necessarily what I wanted or needed but I felt appreciated and loved, which is hard to do in this situation.

And then I read this:
"So glad you are having a better day then yesterday! I really hope the flowers helped out to, I just wanted to do something nice for you for a change. Its hard to do things in here, like at Southern State I could get cards done and stuff like that but here I don't even know people and I'm really not trying to get to know them. So any little thing I can do to try to make you have a better day than that's what I'm going to do. If you are having a bad day talk to me about it cause if you don't then it means we both are going to have a bad day! Remember babe I'm always here for you and always will be!!! Well talk to you later. LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


I feel really thankful for him. I am thankful for the effort he puts in and that this is us. He always says thank you when he never has too and I will always be there for him.

Predict

Posted by Saturday, February 4, 2012

"My letter earlier just pretty much said the usual but there was one part of it that I want to write again and that's about the poster I seen that said "Pain is just weakness leaving the body," I like that saying a lot cause I think its so true! When we hurt we feel weak and after all the pain is gone only then do we feel ourselves get stronger. I think that is one saying that we should keep in mind through this struggle of ours, cause no matter how much pain we feel or how weak we may think we are this is only making us stronger! It is making our love stronger! Even though we have not been together for over 10 months I have a stronger connection to you than I have ever had with anyone else. I think this this has been a true test of our commitment to our relationship. Anyone can be in love when they are with the other person day in and day out, but take one of them people out of that equation and I would be willing to bet over half the relationships fail and a couple more are never the same. But our's has only grown stronger with each passing day and can only get stronger. I love you like I have never loved anyone else! I truly believe that you are the one that I have been searching for my whole life. I've always heard that there is a perfect match for everyone in the world but sometimes you may just never find it or find it and let it go. I believe I have found my perfect match in you and I will never lose it. I am determined to make our love last!!! I love you always and 4 life. Those words have never been so true than right now!!! I have to go babe but remember you are always in my heart and on my mind no matter what I'm doing!!! Good night and sweet dreams. I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow!!!! LOVE ALWAYS AND 4-LIFE!!!!!!! YOUR HUSBAND!!!!"

Pain. Something Tom and I both feel, experience yet we are experiencing different pains on different spectrum's. He feels the pain of being away from home, without his freedom and everything that entails which I take on the pain of being without him, running a household without him and making sure he is okay. Tom is exactly right, this is making us stronger. Each and everyday is a new beginning, a new horizon and it allows us to become that much stronger. I am sure there are several thousands of couples have experienced worse "pain" and bigger struggles but this current situation is big to us. To think that we haven't been together for 318 days, seen each other in almost 300 and to still sit here, love each other like we do, that is pretty amazing to us.

Love can be a complicated thing. the devotion, the honesty and sometimes the 'unhappiness' that comes with love is something uncomfortable. We couldn't predict the future of what our first marriage would be like, we couldn't predict the next moves the state or even what tomorrow brings, but we can predict the love.

I know the phone will ring at least once tomorrow.
I know he will wake up and think of me.
I know that he will worry about me, miss me.
I know that he will either sit at a computer or at a piece of paper to write.
I know when he goes to bed, he will lay there and worry and probably over think things.
I know he will love me.

He knows I will worry about him.
He knows I will patiently wait for his call and always write.
He knows that my devotion to him never waivers.
He knows I may have trouble sleeping, but I will always dream of him.
He knows that I will love him.

People question us, our relationship or even our motives - but we just love. Love each other and hope for a future full of happiness. A future of love. A lot of people probably couldn't do what we have done or overcome the obstacles we have - but we did and we are still happily married.
It has been so amazing to not only explore and get to know someone like we have but
to love like we have. We will continue to be strong, to love each other like no other and be grateful for one another.

Love Keys

Posted by Friday, February 3, 2012 , , ,

"Hey baby how are you today? I'm good just another day though. Wish I was home with you finally though. I hope all goes well when I get home to you and make some babies!!! Damn I can't wait to start that part of our life together and put all this behind us! . . . . . So have I told you that I love you today? Well I love you sooooooo much!!! Oh and this computer sucks ass to, you have to press the buttons hard as hell and then sometimes it still don't work but I do it all for my love of you!!! To much kissing ass? Well you deserve as much ass kissing as I can give to you and even then that's not enough for you baby!!! You should see my typing with two fingers.. you'd be laughing your ass off at me!!! Alright babe imma wrap this up... I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow!!! Goodnight and sweet dreams!!! LOVE ALWAYS AND 4 LIFE!!!!!! YOUR HUSBAND!!!"


Tom and I are now in limbo. He is in a facility waiting to be extradited from this facility maybe to another but finally, hopefully, landing in Idaho. This is all a part of the waiting game. You wait for the sentence, you wait for the time, you wait for the calls, the letters, you wait for the release - you just wait. But we are thankful that one day down mean another day closer to hopefully seeing each other SOON!

One thing good is where he is we can correspond via computer, similar to email. Which is especially nice when we are limited to 300 minutes a month and we were spoiled with the last facility talking as much as we wanted. Now since we have no clue when or where he can move we have not sent hand written letters and have stuck to the emails. It is nice to get the little notification that you received a message and its him right now (well about two hours later) and how he is feeling rather than reading it four days later. Like today's.

Its little things like this that makes us - well us. Of course the entire message isn't enclosed above, we need to keep some to "us" but he is always so in love with me and as I am with him. And he is right I would be "laughing my ass off" at him. I think thats what keeps us together and somewhat sane - the humor.

The humor is something a lot of couple loose along the way. We can still make each other laugh whether its during our short 15-minute phone calls or in any of our letters. Just another reason why I love that man. He can always put a smile on my face.

Make Custom Gifts at CafePress