An impression in my heart to stain on my skin

Posted by Monday, August 15, 2011 , ,


"Never will I do that!" I once explained yet here I am, an hour and half later here I am with "endless love" on the inside of my ring finger and "T & A 4-Life 4-7-11" on the opposite side.

Yes, I got our initials tattooed on my ring finger.
Explanation? Love. Commitment.

T & A for Tom and Annette
4-Life for him, he always signs his letters "Your Husband 4-Life"
4-7-11 for the day we said I do.
Endless Love because that is what this is endless love
Tom kinda wanted me to wait for him to get it done but to me it's something I wanted to do on my own, something to show, to prove my love, my devotion.
And Here It Is. In raw form, in fact with traces of the stencil.

While our marriage is permanent so is the ink that will forever remind me of my wonderful husband. Every time I look down I will see this, and it will only remind me of the amazing man I met and married, the commitment we share and the trials that we have already had to face. Some people may think it is a bad idea, that marriage isn't guaranteed, that things happen but you're right things happen - like love. Why do people always assume the worst, why not the best. Tom and I have already been through a lot, we have already had to struggle for 145 days of our marriage, yes 145 days. Yet that is okay. I am okay with the situation because I know when he is home we will have the life together and that's all that matters.

I love my husband, I am committed to him 120 percent.
We only have 164 more days, another day down is another day closer
to having each other into our arms.

Tom has left an impression in my heart, something that will never cease,
a print on my soul and now forever on my skin, a permanent stain.

One Small Day

Posted by Saturday, August 13, 2011 , ,


Sometimes I don't understand how you can feel so on top of the world and then BAM, so down, like six feet under, numb, paralyzed, like sleeping and not waking up again. The ups and downs and joys and hurts of this situation is draining, and no one understands it unless you are in it. I can't explain how much I love my husband and yet be so down all of a sudden or the joy of hearing the phone ring to the hurt or extra charges or a failed appeal. I try so hard to act like I am okay but when someone asks, "How are you" or "How much longer" I just smile and answer like it doesn't phase me.

I try to seem strong every day, for myself a lot of the time. No one sees my struggles just my troubles - the troubles of trying to juggle three plus jobs, balancing having a husband on prison and 2,500 miles away. Its a lot and sometimes I am fooling myself and I just gotta break down. Welcome to my day.

I can't even pin point where in my day I was fine then went to irritated, frustrated, depressed and now just sad. I think its the time I come home. I had a great time with my best friend last night, much girl time full of laughter, going to work and then coming home its hits me like a brick wall. A brick wall of reality that Tom isn't here, he won't be for months and I am alone. Loneliness is something I feel a lot, its hard to have that person in your life, your best friend and your lover but who isn't there with you because of circumstances you can't control it. I think I hit the wall when I feel left, I feel left by friends its like as soon as I got married or they found out where Tom is - I didn't exist and that hurts. It hurts to be judged, when you can still be happily married but they just see the cover of the situation and they never ask anything, they assume.

Some days its hard to stay strong or to even smile, all I want to do is break down, cry, yell, kick and scream but I can't. I know I have to keep my chin up for me and my husband. I have to stay strong because so many people want to see my fail. The things that keep me going is my husband first and foremost, his always encouraging words, my true friends and not always understanding but supportive family. This is a constant fight but I know we will prevail, its just one small day out of the total XXX days.

More than the Moon

Posted by Friday, August 12, 2011 , ,


"Happy Anniversary baby! Four months and going strong! After this nothing can stop us baby. I'm so happy that April 7th we made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together. That is one of the best decisions I could have ever made in my life! To marry a woman who is everything that I'm not. She is reliable, funny, strong willed and caring. She keeps me together when I want to crumble. She picks me up when I fall down. And she is there when no one else is. She is my wife till death do us part! I love you with all my heart baby always and 4-Life!"

Tom was right, after this, nothing can stop us. This has definitely been a test of our love, dedication and a test of our commitment. Yeah we have only been married for four months but four months he has been locked up, four months of collect calls, letters, and four months of complete devotion. Everyday I think of how blessed I am to have this kind of love, this man - while others see him as just an inmate, just an offender I see him.

I see the potential in him, yet I see the pain, I see the love he has and the love he needs - I see past his bad decisions and encourage the right ones, because what matters is the present and the future. We let the past be the past, bury those skeletons and move on that is what keeps us as a unit.

April 7th I married my best friend and I wouldn't change it for the world. April 7th I made the right decision by marrying him. While he says I am everything he isn't like funny, strong willed, reliable and caring - I see all of those things within him. Four months really doesn't matter, what does matter is that love we share, the commitment we have for our marriage and focusing on the future. I love him more than the moon, at this point that is the only thing we share, the moon. Seeing the same thing thousands of miles away, I wish it was just that easy to see him. But one day soon we will be able to share the moon together, with one another, and I pray for it every single day.

My Life versus My Priorities

Posted by Wednesday, August 10, 2011 ,

Some days just suck. Not because of work, or non-sense drama from family and friends just because Tom isn't here. Things constantly remind me of him whether its a smell, something I see or a stupid joke I know Tom would laugh at. Like the Taco Bell mild sauce, he would get it, he would laugh and I miss that! Funny things he says or does, or things that makes me laugh and smile.


While my life was thrown through a whirlwind in such a short period of time I wouldn't change it. Now my life is full of phone calls and letters and that's okay. Really. Sometimes people get my life versus my priorities intertwined. Yes, a lot of my time is consumed by collect calls, letter writing, letter reading, calling this and that person about an appeal, ordering books and sending money orders but that's my life. My priorities are my jobs especially because I need to survive. My priorities are my overall well being because Tom doesn't want anything but for me to be happy. And he would live without the list of things I do, but I do it because I love him.

Judging people say not to let my life revolve around him, it doesn't but he is my husband making him a huge part of my life. I still do me. I work, I have fun and Tom is apart of that. People say I shouldn't invest so much time in this right now because I may regret it later, what is that? So are they saying my marriage will fail because of where my husband is? But how am I suppose to make my marriage work without putting any effort into it?

It blows my mind how naive people can be in my own life. Tom makes me happy, I make him happy, its memories of laughter and love that keep us going, that keep our marriage a float along with the phone calls, letters and pictures. Besides whoever says that they have never put someone they love in front of something or someone else, is lying. Sorry but its true. Divorced or married, happy or miserable its happened.


So I miss Tom today. I wish I could laugh with him in person than wait until the phone rings but even though I miss him I am still alive this situation doesn't control my life, doesn't control who I am. I love my husband <3 And when it comes down to it I am going to fight for our marriage and for our happiness.

If you're a bird . . .

Posted by Monday, August 8, 2011 , ,

Doesn't everyone just love this movie? Okay well besides a lot of guys but it's a beautiful love story. A young woman from a well off family falls in the love with the man that just makes cents an hour and when her mother steps in, years tear them apart but love prevails and the two end up together till the end, literally. I love this story but I am a girl and I love a lot of love stories! Watching this always makes me cry and just made me think of what my "love" future would be. These stories seem to be fiction, things like that really don't happen, but they do for some people.

I interviewed a couple February 2010 who had been married for 72 years, yes, married for 72 years. Tom and I were dating at the time and insisted that he went, and it was nice to see an older (both 90) couple still so in love. And while they didn't have a story of years being apart or rich versus poor, their love story was extraordinary. Could you imagine being married for 72 years? Amazing. And sitting there with Tom made me wonder, would it be him? Would Tom and I have that kind of love?
Now months later, we do. Tom and I can't say we met as teenagers, or married at the naive age of 18 but we can say we have that love. So yes, these amazing love stories happen, maybe not so much like in the movies but they are true and I am one of them. People judge Tom and I, our marriage and the fact that Tom is in prison but what they don't understand is real love. A lot of people just don't understand until you are in that position, really, they preach they would never, could never but then they do. I was one of them. I had a list of must have's and has to's and guess what? Tom had what maybe one, two. Male and with a pulse. It's true.
But luckily I crumbled up that pointless list and fell madly in love with what is now my best friend. Sometimes you have to look past the exterior and feel something, like Allie and Noah. She looked past the fact that he had no money, really wasn't going anywhere and they fell in love. They laughed and fought but loved. Tom and I haven't really fought but I am sure as time goes on we will, but we laugh like its medicine and love like crazy.
So now when I watch these movies I understand. I understand that love because I have that love. I am so deeply in love with my husband I would do it all over again. All over again. And I know my husband loves me which gets me up every morning, happy throughout the day and puts a smile on my face when my head hits the pillow at night. I am so grateful not only to be married to my best friend, but to have this kind of love. And I know if I were a bird, Tom would be a bird.

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