TNA - Our Life

The days that go by without a phone call, without a letter are torture. They are torture because in this lifestyle it isn't "no news is good news." No news could me lock downs, fights, moves, the SHU or in transit. So here we are, I didn't hear from Tom at all yesterday which of course is odd since he calls a few times a day and no emails it could only mean one thing - he's on the move. Of course nothing is usually updated the day off, they never want you to really know. This morning next to Tom's name is read, "IN TRANSIT."

What a good feeling yet overwhelming and nerve-wrecking. It is such an amazing feeling because I haven't seen Tom since April 11, 306 days and I will see him very soon. And that same amazing feeling is overwhelming because I haven't seen him in 306 days. At this point I should be packing my bag, gassing up my car and ready to be the first one in the doors to visit him, yet I'm not.

I feel like we have been here before. Like this is deja vu. Like I have been here before, not necessarily so close in days of seeing him but the chance was there, the excitement was there and now I am afraid to feel those feelings. I am afraid to be excited because I don't want to be let down. I don't want to be hurt anymore than I have to - isn't that a silly statement in this lifestyle? It hurtful almost daily. I feel as though I need to cut my own feelings short to be strong for me and Tom and to keep this wall up so I can continue to be strong.

Now I am patiently waiting for my phone to ring, and hoping his voice will be on the other end. I hope he has news that he is in Idaho, closer to home. That we know when arraignment will be to prepare for our future.

The feeling of uncertainty can kill you. Its a black hole in your stomach, that affects every vein in your entire body. What seems to be a black hole lies deep within, making you feel helpless because that's what I am. Here at just after midnight, I cannot wonder what my husband is doing, where he is and if he is okay. You see right now he is in the middle of Hurricane Irene. The knots in my stomach get tighter by each passing minute. The unknowing of what is going on is killing me. You see while a lot of people say, "He will be fine," I am sure he will but the feeling, the possibility of maybe something does happen, its a sickening feeling. One day they are being evacuated, the next they aren't and to find out 500 inmates are evacuated yet your husband isn't one of them, sucks for the lack of better words. You see Tom isn't in a concrete or cement building with high walls surrounding him, he is in a low security unit, housed by trailers on the compound and with the recent tornado warnings, it intensifies the feeling that much more. I can't really explain the feeling of maybe something happening to someone you love, to your spouse. I feel like I just got him and I never want to lose him. I hate that this has to happen now, this year, it sucks. Tom would sit here and say I am overreacting and its not a big deal, but why isn't it? Why isn't it a big deal when something can potentially harm someone you love, fill your life with sadness or even make that much more difficult to live. Not hearing my phone ring all day was one of the worst feelings because while I assume he is part of the two million people without power I do not know for sure. I don't know what is happening, where what how and why - and the worst part is that he is in the middle of a situation that he has no control over. He can't come and go as he pleases, he can't take shelter in something or somewhere else, so where does that leave him? I wonder what is he thinking right now? What is he doing right now? Is there water creeping up his bunk? Have the winds affected the housing unit? All I can do is wait. Wait it out. Wait for the phone to ring. Wait to hear his voice. But in the mean time, I love him with all my heart, everything I am.

*UPDATE* While the two days were horrible, hearing his voice was amazing! It makes you realize how much you love someone and really don't want to lose that person! He was evacuated to a nearby person, I was suppose to be notified, but wasn't but then again they can't call 2,000 plus wives for an overnight stay. But he is okay, and we are back to "normal" well besides mail. =)