Missing Daddy

Posted by Friday, December 21, 2012 , , , ,

Today was a "big" day for us, it was the day Tom would go home to work for a few days and I would come back to stay. We are in the process of figuring out our own routine of him coming and going and me figuring out what to do with my time. So today we spent our am with Cooper for touch time and then we headed out of town so Tom could work and I could get much needed clothes and hygiene products - things we have missed for about a week.

While packing my things, which seemed like all my things it just hit me, of how hard this will be. How much I will miss Tom and feel a little disconnected from the world. Don't get me wrong it is completely worth it, because Cooper is our priority - this situation is very overwhelming.

After packing and taking the three hour trip back to Missoula, I made touch time with Cooper. I took his temperature, sat with my finger upon his body and it didn't feel right without Tom there. I guess I never realized how much he supports me and how much I really do need him. I could barely keep it together in Cooper's room, missing Tom, wishing he could be there because I know he wishes he could be too. Not only did I miss Tom but Cooper did too.

What seemed to be perfect timing, while the nurse was cleaning out Tom's mouth, his right eye started to open.

There he was this little angel, so tiny and small, just with this tiny little opening of his eye. While he can't "see" me, he can see shadows maybe movement. The moment was special. Special because for us its a little milestone, something very precious. We didn't expect his eyes to open this early so it sure was surprise. He couldn't get his left eye open yet, so one will have to do. It was almost like Cooper was looking for Tom, he missed his daddy's "hey buddy."


* On a side note, Cooper's tests have come back good. Of course the NICU doctors and nurses say its two steps forward and one step back so we take everyday on with its new challenges *

The Best Feeling In Life

Posted by Tuesday, April 3, 2012 , , ,

I was expecting something special from Tom this week since Saturday is our one year anniversary. It has gone by so fast, and I am not sure if I can blame that on the fact that he has been in jail the entire time or just everyday life. But none the less, it will very soon be a year. Its almost bittersweet because I am married to a great man. A great man. He is loving, caring, honest, appreciative and yet we don't see each other, we don't live with one another, we are apart. I actually received two letters today, and I read the "wrong" one first, which revealed what the other envelope contained. Tom apologized when he sent the letter because it wasn't what he has sent in the past. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be colorful, neatly drawn, because this time this came straight from him. No one else, just my husband and that is perfect, just fine actually. And it reads:

"The Best Feeling In Life 
The best feeling in life is waiting the sun rise, all while thinking of your big beautiful eyes. The best feeling in life is getting a letter, cause I know coming from you it will make me feel better. The best feeling in life is a phone call call that in the middle, I make you laugh even if it's just a little. The best feeling in life is when you come to see me, it makes me know how happy in life I will be. The best feeling in life is watching the sun set, it makes me feel as good as the day we met. The funny thing is that the best feeling in my life, is all those moments shared with my wife! 
Love Always and 4 Life! Your Husband! 
Thomas Cooper Lewis Jr. 
(4-7-11)"
This is the "best feeling in life." I can't even begin to tell you how in love I am with my husband. I don't need a "present," flowers, or dinner. I just need his love, that is perfectly fine for me, Mrs. Lewis. April 7, 2011 wasn't perfect, but it's our day, and I love that. Its a day when we can celebrate us, our vows and our undying, enduring love for another. Today, I feel pretty lucky to have such an amazing man.

Included with the poem was this was a disclaimer:
"Hey baby, its Friday afternoon and I'm mailing and I'm mailing out a cheesy poem for our one year anniversary. I don't really have much of a choice on what to get you for our anniversary but I figured this was something nice cause unlike the poems in the past, I wrote this one. I know its corny but I tried hard and it actually took me a week to write it. I hope you love it but I don't want you to frame it or anything, but just stick it in a scrapbook or something and keep it as a token of my love cause I think you are the only woman I have ever done that for. I wish I could have gotten you more, but once again lets hope for next year! I love you baby with all my heart and I always will. I haven't told you this in awhile but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really do appreciate everything that you do for me. Everything! Don't ever think different, I may not say it or show it all the time but I really do baby." 
- And he's the best thing that has happened to me - 

A Day in His Shoes

Posted by Thursday, March 1, 2012 , , , ,

"I will admit that in here all I have time to do is think and so you are always on my mind, but out there in the world you are so busy that it could be easy for you to forget about me or the good times. And when is your turning point? I don't have a turning point, I will always be in love with you! But if I get more time will that be your turning point? Will that be the point where you say, you can't handle it anymore? Lets be honest now, all the "I will always be there," is cool but will you be able to handle it? I wouldn't me mad, I'd be upset but I wouldn't be mad at you. I don't like hurting you and I don't like leaving you alone home and upset. I'm sorry if I don't say I love you or miss you enough but you are my everything and I appreciate every thing you say and do! Sometimes it is hard for me to express myself over the phone or on video visits but in person it would be a whole other story. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I'm trying to maintain my sanity in here for myself, you, Olivia and everyone else that is on side. I'm at my breaking point now and am trying to stay on this side. I don't know what to do! How would you handle it? Put yourself in my shoes for one minute, imagine spending a year in prison, bouncing across the U.S., facing three, five or seven years and then don't know where you're going if you are found guilty? How would you be handling it? I'm sorry babe if some days I'm distant or out of it. I love you with all my heart and really don't want to be hurting you." 

Maybe some women have it stuck in their head that if a certain amount of time came along they would leave or if something happened then that would be their "turning point." I don't know what the future holds for Tom and I - what I do know is that I married Tom for love, for life. While I may be "busy" with life on the outside but I always think about Tom - what he is doing, when he will call or even good memories with him. Sometimes I find myself just doing things, buying stuff to remember him and relive those memories. Do you think that I want to do this or this is something I planned? No. But my heart won't let me give up. Give up on him. On us. On any of it. 

I couldn't imagine what Tom is going through because as a wife, it's torture but in reality this is his life. Not knowing what is next is hard for me but to be Tom is unimaginable. Could you imagine getting your food wheeled in on a cart? Locked away for 19 hours a day? Limited communication? Never walking outside? Always on edge not knowing what you are leaving or what the next move is? 

 I couldn't.

I personally believe Tom is stronger than I ever would be or could be. He has served his time and now potentially facing more has to be heartbreaking. I know everything can't be exactly how I want it every single day, that would be delusional. What i do know is that we love one another, we are here for one another and in it for the long haul. So some days and some letters are not just perfect and lovey - sometimes you take hurt with the joy and pain with the love but in the end we will prevail. I know we will.

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