TNA - Our Life

I know I haven't thought about you a lot, thanked you for anything lately but right now I need you. I am sorry I left you long ago when I thought church was over rated and my dislike for mass seemed overbearing. I thought maybe you would still watch over me while I continued on my day-to-day life. Sorry I haven't made time for you. Right now I need you. You see, my nights are sleepless, my mind in constantly running, headaches seem to be normal now rather than a problem and the tears come for no reason. While I haven't been the perfect child, I really hope you can help. The past ten and a half months haven't been easy. It went from three months to over ten months and now here we are facing something that is bigger than New Jersey, bigger than the ten months. I know Tom hasn't been perfect in his life and to be honest, there is probably more than even I know but this one time Tom was honest, he is now going to be punished for it. I know you know the love I have for Tom in my heart, and his love for me. I am not asking for a perfect outcome I am just asking for something better than we hope. We try to keep our faith that everything will be okay, but the light at the end of the tunnel is pretty dim. I want to have children, but I want to have children with my husband. We had high hopes and wanted a bright future, in what would be tomorrow. While we haven't made the perfect decisions in our lives, either one of us, both together as a couple and individuals - we need the chance to be happy. We have moved leaps and bounds to become not only a couple, but to have a honest, open relationship where we rely on each other and love each other more every single day. I know you have a plan, but I ask you to please allow that plan include Tom and I together to live happily and free - soon. I don't want to make promises of what would happen if we were okay or what wouldn't happen if weren't okay because I would still love you but please consider allowing Tom and I to love one another in the presence of one another. Please I just want my husband home.

Love,

Annette Lewis

This lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some women prevail while some women fail. Mothers either choose to support their children through thick and thin while wives are put through the true test of for better or for worse. Every day life is consumed with something else, you can no longer focus on just you and your relationship you are now focusing on the "what ifs" and the "could its." And I admit somedays its not only hard to get out of bed but its hard to stay positive, upbeat or even to pretend too. This lifestyle is something I never dreamed of as a young girl, I am sure nothing my parents dreamed of me having, hell not Tom's either. While we can have constant negatives around us whether it be no financial help, lawyers, appeals, school, work the list can go on and on depending on the woman and the situation. One thing that helps me a lot is other women in this same situation. We all have this common bond of this taboo love of inmates, something we can't really explain but just know its right. While we continue down this path of hand written letters, 15-minute phone calls we sit and compare. Compare crimes, time, journeys and struggles. Shit, I will be the first to admit, I have not been labeled a "prison wife" for a fraction of what a lot of women have but I do know this is my life too. I know I am not afraid to admit my husband is an inmate. I know I am not afraid to preach the bad and the good of this situation and that love, love can still be behind bars. I won't be in this situation forever, or even years but for my "sisters" who are, I care for them, treat them with respect and let them feel how they feel. Not every single person is affected in the same exact way. What I may be happy about, one may be mad about and what may be a positive for her may be a negative for me. Whether my husband will be home in five months, five years or five decades that doesn't change that fact that I too am in this situation, that I too have struggles yet have triumphs. I want to stand with other women in rejoice to have one another to confide in, trust and understand, not belittle and judge. As loved ones of inmates we should be reaching out to one another offering information and resources because when it comes down to it we are already judged by the better bulk of America. I don't want to be judged by the same people who are living the same life as me.

Over 14 million men and women are arrested every year in the United States. Drugs, prostitution, murder, rapes - guilty and not guilty. Inmates soon loose their names and are now known by their state number. High fences, cement walls and steel bars are their scenery, what they now call home. They have traded their king size bed for a bunk, cell phones for hand written letters and now real human contact is scarce.

Many inmates soon receive their fate, months to serve, years or maybe even decades. As they learn to cope with their future and what their life will be like, family members try to come to terms in how their lives have changed. Mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, brothers and sisters, sometimes seem to be at a loss in such a time of confusion and need.

Parents are at a loss, sometimes blaming themselves of their children's actions, siblings try to understand why their role models chose what they did. Spouses now have to consume the household on their own financially and physically while children sometimes act out to retaliate. Both the inmate and the family members are lost in the path that they are now on, not knowing where to turn, who to trust and what to expect. In a world of critics, support groups for loved ones of inmates seems to be a chore to find.

Stephanie Gonzales, 25, has been married to her husband, John, who is serving a 15-year sentence at a Texas state prison, for four years, three of which he has spent behind bars. Gonzales says the first month is when it really sank in that he was gone, "It was indescribable. I can only compare it to the way a child might feel in a moment in frustration. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream and cry until someone came to comfort me." At the time she didn't know anyone else experiencing the same loneliness, feeling of being lost and unsure of the next step. While her family suggested divorce in the beginning Gonzales says it was never an option, "For better or worse, til death do us part, I made a promise to him and I was absolutely not going to break it." Struggling with getting outside support, she relied on her father and brother who were supportive but just don't understand what being labeled a "prison wife" entails that is until she found a page on Facebook.

She stumbled across Free Jail and Prison T-Shirt Giveaway a page liked by over 1,000 people and is much more than its title. Parents, siblings, wives, children, nieces and nephews all meet on one page that has seemed to become a safe haven. "When I came across the page and all the amazing ladies on it, it was refreshing to me," Gonzales says.

While Gonzales found fellow wives that she could relate to Darcy Vargas found other mothers in her situation. Her 25-year-old son has been in prison for 4.5 years with a 15-year sentence. Vargas first questioned herself if she did something wrong in raising him for her son to have ended up in what she calls a "hell hole."

A place where members can share their ups and downs, seek support and offer encouragement everyone finds new friends and soon become family. "Aside from being able to reach out with one wall post and getting 10 responses from women who are going though the same thing, it has opened my eyes and made me appreciate the small things we do have, some of the things I took for granted before. Jails and prisons are different everywhere and there are many women dealing with rules, regulations and situations far more complicated than my own," says Gonzales. Vargas has found support in other groups as well and says she stays supportive by looking at the big picture. "You can't always dwell on all the crap," she says. "No matter what God throws at you good or bad just deal with it and get on the next. Do I have my down days, yep. Do I cry, yep. Then I shake it off and say thank you God now on the next item."

The encouragement and support seems to be key in a situation no one ever wishes to be in, and the amazing part is how supportive members are. Like Gonzales a wife that hasn't seen her husband in over a month and has no idea when the next time she will be able to and phone calls don't exist she continues to offer her kind words to other wives, mothers and members seeking support. "I love getting up everyday and seeing what everyone is doing and what's going on with everyone," says Vargas. "Since all of my kids have moved out I have been kinda lost, I have a purpose now. That feels good again!"

Free Jail and Prison T-Shirt Giveaway is a part of JailExchange.com, a site where people can search facilities, inmates, read current news on the issues, a one stop shop for every detail of incarceration. The Facebook page also does exactly what it's title explains, gives away free jail and prison t-shirts. Active members of the page are eligible to win a shirt, which at least two are given away daily, each personal and customized to whatever the winner wants. The shirts are worn by many showing support for their loved one who is currently incarcerated. The shirts have united these women and yet their experiences have made them family.

As much as he misses home, I miss him 100 times more. Tom has always been so supportive in everything, willing to try anything and always just there. When Tom and I went on our first date, he was surprised that my nights and weekends didn't include alcohol and drugs. "Really?" I remember him asking. I was the "goody goody" while Tom, the "bad boy." As time went on we soon found out that our pasts didn't defy us, that even though we were raised completely different, we had similarities, and to amazement got along great.

I cannot even begin to express how lucky I am to have such a great husband, who cares about being locked up, sent away or even his record, none of that matters when you know the core of that person. I know people look at me funny, think of me differently but ya know what, I really don't care. Don't pass judgement on someone before you know them because when it comes down to it they may just be like you.