"Do you know how much I love and adore you? Damn baby I love you so much! You are my everything and everyday, no matter how bad it is, as long as I wake up to you being my loving wife is a great day. The day I married you is the greatest day of my life! That is the is the greatest day of my life until the dame comes when I am released from this f**king hell I am living, day in and day out. I think that is the thing that is really keeping me going everyday now. Just the thought of me finally coming home to you is the greatest feeling I get in here. Damn I miss you so very much today its not even funny."
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I was expecting something special from Tom this week since Saturday is our one year anniversary. It has gone by so fast, and I am not sure if I can blame that on the fact that he has been in jail the entire time or just everyday life. But none the less, it will very soon be a year. Its almost bittersweet because I am married to a great man. A great man. He is loving, caring, honest, appreciative and yet we don't see each other, we don't live with one another, we are apart. I actually received two letters today, and I read the "wrong" one first, which revealed what the other envelope contained. Tom apologized when he sent the letter because it wasn't what he has sent in the past. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be colorful, neatly drawn, because this time this came straight from him. No one else, just my husband and that is perfect, just fine actually. And it reads:
"The Best Feeling In LifeThe best feeling in life is waiting the sun rise, all while thinking of your big beautiful eyes. The best feeling in life is getting a letter, cause I know coming from you it will make me feel better. The best feeling in life is a phone call call that in the middle, I make you laugh even if it's just a little. The best feeling in life is when you come to see me, it makes me know how happy in life I will be. The best feeling in life is watching the sun set, it makes me feel as good as the day we met. The funny thing is that the best feeling in my life, is all those moments shared with my wife!
This is the "best feeling in life." I can't even begin to tell you how in love I am with my husband. I don't need a "present," flowers, or dinner. I just need his love, that is perfectly fine for me, Mrs. Lewis. April 7, 2011 wasn't perfect, but it's our day, and I love that. Its a day when we can celebrate us, our vows and our undying, enduring love for another. Today, I feel pretty lucky to have such an amazing man.Love Always and 4 Life! Your Husband!Thomas Cooper Lewis Jr.(4-7-11)"
Included with the poem was this was a disclaimer:
"Hey baby, its Friday afternoon and I'm mailing and I'm mailing out a cheesy poem for our one year anniversary. I don't really have much of a choice on what to get you for our anniversary but I figured this was something nice cause unlike the poems in the past, I wrote this one. I know its corny but I tried hard and it actually took me a week to write it. I hope you love it but I don't want you to frame it or anything, but just stick it in a scrapbook or something and keep it as a token of my love cause I think you are the only woman I have ever done that for. I wish I could have gotten you more, but once again lets hope for next year! I love you baby with all my heart and I always will. I haven't told you this in awhile but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really do appreciate everything that you do for me. Everything! Don't ever think different, I may not say it or show it all the time but I really do baby."
- And he's the best thing that has happened to me -
- And he's the best thing that has happened to me -
Moving from prison to jail, jail to prison Tom has met some very interesting men. Tonight when Tom called and we shared the "highlight" of our day, I ask if he liked his "bunkie." Something he usually mentions but hadn't seen he has been moved. Tom kind of chuckled and said, "He's got some stories." Of course my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know the stories! Tom began to share this man's, which I believe to be his "fantasy." His famous actress girlfriend, his father's famous beer company, his nicely padded bank account - and while this may all sound nice, I don't believe it. I laughed as the stories went on and on and on.
Then Tom says, "I'm broke, I'm a piece of shit and I'm in jail."
Okay . . .
I of course quickly responded, "What." Reassured Tom, he isn't broke, he isn't a piece of shit and it doesn't matter that he is in jail. He says, "I have your money, I am broke. I am not good in here, it's not fair." I always try to stop and really think before I respond to things like this because it is important to me to make Tom aware that "this" isn't him.
Tom is broke because he is in jail, obviously. But a piece of shit? No. Of course I told him how much I love him, that it doesn't matter that he is in jail and he is not a piece of shit. Being in jail doesn't make you a piece of shit. Its circumstance. This still disturbs me hours later.
I do truly believe that Tom thinks about himself like this, it breaks my heart. But he is so true in saying "It doesn't matter, as long as I have you at the end of the day I will be okay. I don't need money, I can be in jail but having you makes it okay. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have anything in here." I have to believe that at the end of this Tom can believe in himself, that he is good enough. That this current lifestyle does not define him, me or our relationship.
So today when I check my mail, there was a big yellow envelope, addressed to Tom, even with his state numbers on it. It was from his facility in New Jersey - a teacher. So I anxiously opened it.
"Dear Thomas,This made me smile.
On behalf of NCCER, I congratulate you for successfully completing NCCER's Contren Learning Series Program. I also congratulate you for choosing construction as a career. You are now a valuable member of one of our nation's largest industries. The skills you have acquired will not only enhance your career opportunities, but will help build America. Enclosed are your credentials from the National Registry. These industry-recognized credentials give you flexibility in planning your career and ensure your achievements follow you wherever you go. . . . "
It makes me realize that in the past year Tom didn't just sit. He took as many classes as he could, he worked whenever he could. And that makes me proud. It's not always about how much money you make a year, because Tom's $15 a month wouldn't help much but it was him. It made him feel better about himself, and that makes me proud of him. I am proud that he wants to a better person, that he wants to change that he doesn't want to be where he is. That is cares.
It ironic to go with the letter I got today as well.
"I just can't wait for the day to come when all this is finally over with and we can finally move forward with our lives together. I'm so sick and tired of this stuff! And when the day comes when they do release me, you can best believe I'm not looking back and I'm not coming back. I hear people all the time say three, five, or seven years of parole is a long time and they are bound to mess it up some where down the road all I can say is I wish they would give me some parole cause as long as you are in my corner I can pretty much, scratch that, I can can do anything I want to do. I love you with every ounce of my body and will to the day I die!"We have so much confidence in each other - it amazes me. Today I can't wait for Tom to call again, to tell him I love him and share this with him. Share the good news he received, how proud I am of him and we will be okay!
"I will admit that in here all I have time to do is think and so you are always on my mind, but out there in the world you are so busy that it could be easy for you to forget about me or the good times. And when is your turning point? I don't have a turning point, I will always be in love with you! But if I get more time will that be your turning point? Will that be the point where you say, you can't handle it anymore? Lets be honest now, all the "I will always be there," is cool but will you be able to handle it? I wouldn't me mad, I'd be upset but I wouldn't be mad at you. I don't like hurting you and I don't like leaving you alone home and upset. I'm sorry if I don't say I love you or miss you enough but you are my everything and I appreciate every thing you say and do! Sometimes it is hard for me to express myself over the phone or on video visits but in person it would be a whole other story. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I'm trying to maintain my sanity in here for myself, you, Olivia and everyone else that is on side. I'm at my breaking point now and am trying to stay on this side. I don't know what to do! How would you handle it? Put yourself in my shoes for one minute, imagine spending a year in prison, bouncing across the U.S., facing three, five or seven years and then don't know where you're going if you are found guilty? How would you be handling it? I'm sorry babe if some days I'm distant or out of it. I love you with all my heart and really don't want to be hurting you."
Maybe some women have it stuck in their head that if a certain amount of time came along they would leave or if something happened then that would be their "turning point." I don't know what the future holds for Tom and I - what I do know is that I married Tom for love, for life. While I may be "busy" with life on the outside but I always think about Tom - what he is doing, when he will call or even good memories with him. Sometimes I find myself just doing things, buying stuff to remember him and relive those memories. Do you think that I want to do this or this is something I planned? No. But my heart won't let me give up. Give up on him. On us. On any of it.
I couldn't imagine what Tom is going through because as a wife, it's torture but in reality this is his life. Not knowing what is next is hard for me but to be Tom is unimaginable. Could you imagine getting your food wheeled in on a cart? Locked away for 19 hours a day? Limited communication? Never walking outside? Always on edge not knowing what you are leaving or what the next move is?
I couldn't.
I personally believe Tom is stronger than I ever would be or could be. He has served his time and now potentially facing more has to be heartbreaking. I know everything can't be exactly how I want it every single day, that would be delusional. What i do know is that we love one another, we are here for one another and in it for the long haul. So some days and some letters are not just perfect and lovey - sometimes you take hurt with the joy and pain with the love but in the end we will prevail. I know we will.
"Even when we are at our worst, I am better because I have you;
I am better on my worse days when I have you than I ever was
on my best days without you"
These are words any woman wants to hear especially from her husband, just saying. But these are words that my husband encourages me with one my worst days, days when I need it. I know Tom loves me but when you come home every night alone, you go to bed alone and you wake up by yourself - some days it's hard to remember that you have a husband and that he loves you. Sometimes it's hard to express your frustration, anger or depression. I don't want to fight, I don't want to argue and I most certainly don't want him to worry about me, but some days I am not strong. Sometimes I need the reminder that even though he may not be here, he may not be able to kiss me on my forehead or hold my hands while he whispers, "I love you," but that doesn't mean he loves me any less. One of the hardest parts for me, personally, is sharing my struggles with Tom. I won't tell him that I cry while I write a lot of his letters or that tears run down my face as I write this - he will only know when he read this one day. It's important to always remember there was a place you started, a reason why we start this journey - it gets lost after time, you get to used to this. I still struggle with allowing Tom to know how I feel, 100 percent, I hate to make him worry. But tonight, it was really great to hear those words, at the right time. Because all of our days aren't perfect but they are better with one another - than without. And with that I will wipe my tears, slap a smile on my face, go to bed alone, to wake up by myself but to still love deeply, know love and be loved!
Today was not exactly what we expected. I anxiously awaited for that call from Tom in hopes that good news would finally come our way. While the news isn't exactly what I expected, it's still a step. At this point it is so frustrating to continue to wait. Wait. Wait. And wait again. This is our situation - a waiting game and my frustration level is most certainly at its highest right now because of it. So as Tom is explaining our next steps, what I need to do - it hit me. When is this going to be over? When will I not have to push 1 to accept a call, when will I not have to make calls on behalf of him, send money, send letters - when? Today it was just plain frustrating. It's like hurry to figure out what you need to do, to just wait. Wait for the date, for the call, for the move. I'm over it. It's frustrating. It kills your spirit - its kills you. As Tom explained everything to me in the short amount of time, he could tell I was upset. Not mad, but frustrated, I was almost hurt. I can't explain the amount of strength it takes some days to just answer his call - it hurts to act like it's okay, that I am okay. Even though we only expected one call - Tom called again. He called to say, "have faith." He said he could hear something wasn't okay in my voice and of course I didn't necessarily want to share them while I was at work. But in this whole time, I have always preached to Tom that we need to think positive, we need look to the future - today it was hard for me to do. Today it was him lifting me up. "Have Faith, babe," those three little words made me realize be down and out is no help for me, for him or our situation. With that being said, I love my husband. I have to remember that he is my husband that together we are strong, together we can do this.
Just when I though Tom and I have reached our potential in this situation, we talk as much as we are allowed, write as much as we can and letters and special cards have been exchanged. Even though it seems as though Tom and I have done everything we can and experienced as much as we possibly could, there is always something that just hits you wrong or just stings. While Tom and I both experience different things, one inside the walls and one on the outside, but we both recognize the pain and hurt of our circumstances. And we are both open and honest with one another - with that being said, I have struggled in my own this week. Realizing that next week my husband could be home or the potential of him being home is there. It is very overwhelming because of the fact that its like we have been here before, yet we are starting a whole new bid. It's not a good feeling by any means and to me its kind of hard to handle and I can't imagine what Tom is feeling.
Tom, being the wonderful man he is, is always there to listen and to support me no matter what. That is what is so special about our relationship and I am grateful for that. So while at work I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers, lilies and roses - my favorite. Of course Tom can't physically do this himself, considering the fact that he is in prison. He called his mom, expressed to her that he felt he needed to do something for me that I was struggling this week and he wanted to send me lilies and roses. Luckily I have an amazing mother-in-law who didn't blink an eye and there they were. The lilies weren't even open yet, the roses pretty in pink - they were perfect. Perfect because it wasn't necessarily what I wanted or needed but I felt appreciated and loved, which is hard to do in this situation.
And then I read this:
"So glad you are having a better day then yesterday! I really hope the flowers helped out to, I just wanted to do something nice for you for a change. Its hard to do things in here, like at Southern State I could get cards done and stuff like that but here I don't even know people and I'm really not trying to get to know them. So any little thing I can do to try to make you have a better day than that's what I'm going to do. If you are having a bad day talk to me about it cause if you don't then it means we both are going to have a bad day! Remember babe I'm always here for you and always will be!!! Well talk to you later. LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel really thankful for him. I am thankful for the effort he puts in and that this is us. He always says thank you when he never has too and I will always be there for him.
"Have I told you that I love you? I do, you are the only one who has been there everyday through all this! You are the only one to listen when I have a bad day or laugh when I have a good day. The one to write me everyday and send pics to me. You picked me up when I was down. I love you so much babe, I'm proud to call you my wife! I don't know what I would have done through all this without you! You made me such a better man through this. Thank you for everything babe!"
Tom and I had no idea what last March would bring, nor did we realize really how hard it would be - well, Tom suspected. I think he always believed I could do it, but never thought I ever would. And that's okay because honestly some days I questioned myself, second guessed my choices - but over thinking and analyzing my decisions still kept me on this path. A path which I was able to learn and share with my husband on a level that we may have never been able too if the circumstances were different. Tom and I have been to the bottom of one another's hearts and to the deepest part of our souls - we have expressed our biggest fears and our hopeful dreams - which is what I think helps us. Helps us continue down this road "okay."
I think everyone at one point wants to know they have made a difference in someone else's life - and who better than your spouse? Tom claims I have made him a "better man" and yet he has made me such a better woman.
I always thought of myself as strong, outgoing and strong willed but I never knew how weak I was until I became a prison wife. When becoming a "prison wife" I was broken, it felt as though the world was against me - against us. The situation and the label put what I thought was "strength" to the test and I now realized it was weakness. I felt weak for the shedding tears that came without warning, the weakness showed itself in the loneliness I felt, the despair and the helplessness I felt for my husband. But as time went on my weakness slowly grew - it grew into something bigger, something better. I began to realize the tears weren't weakness, my loneliness wasn't weakness it was reality, the despair and helplessness wasn't weakness either - it was my life. I began to rebuild my confidence, rely on my husband and my true strength was showing.
Growing up, everyone goes through changes, parents divorce, family members die, some children experience sexual abuse or physical abuse and while I have had my fair share of "growing pains," I knew there was always someone else that had it worse than me. And even though the strength I thought I possessed was there it was more in my mind, then in my heart, my will or my soul.
So as a prison wife - my confidence was broken, part of me felt ashamed and I felt like everyone was judging me. But with the help of my husband, I learned who I really was. This past year has been pretty hard, everyday is a new battle and only a prison wife knows that its like to wait on the mailman for your happiness, how fast your heart beats when the phone rings or the feelings when your husband is depressed or angry and you can't do anything about it.
While this isn't the lifestyle I dreamed of or necessarily wanted - this is me and experiencing this has made me strong. Tom has made me a better person. He has showed me true love, the communication, the honesty and just the love he has is what makes me fall in love all over again. And while Tom doesn't "expect" me to stick around he knows I can do it, he reassures me of my strength. "You have been so strong babe, look how far you have come and you are still not giving up," he is part of my strength. He says he will never be able to "repay" me but all I ask for is his love, forever, because being happily married to him is plenty enough in my book.
I am a stronger woman because of the determination and real love I have for my husband, point blank period. I am stronger because I have a strong spouse, and together we are capable more than we probable know.
"Hey baby! I didn't have much to say yesterday after the devastating news we got and I was just sick as hell. To come this far and then find out that it may be starting all over again. WTF is this shit going to end or what? I'm so tired of this shit! I've finally made up my mind that I am going straight and done with this shit and then to get hit with this. I don't know if I have another one in me. I'll be 31 next week and then if I get found guilty and sentenced to 3, 5 or 7 then what, come out at 34, 36, 38 and try to start a family? I can't do it! You look back in my letters and see where I wrote and said if I got to prison that I was done and that shit may still hold. I will be damned to make you suffer more and ask you to wait for me again. How selfish is that? You, only 25 no kids. Yeah right! I can't do that to you! I wouldn't. Now after I'm done and if we or you decide to get back together that is another thing. Don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart but sometime if you really love someone you just have to let them go. We will see what happens in the future but that is my view on it." January 7, 2012
"Talk about depressing! Today you told me my date dropped to the 26th, I would be home with you on that date that we expected. God damn it. Why does this shit happen to me? I'm finally come to the conclusion that I am tired of this lifestyle and yet bad things are still coming up. I'm tired babe, so tired. If it wasn't for you I would just give up right now! Be done with it all. I've done nothing since Friday but stress. I've never been there for Olivia's birthday yet. and how am I suppose to get custody of her with drug convictions and now a gun? No judge would ever do that. All my past charges I felt as though I deserved them but no this time, not this one. I'm just so sick and tired of this shit! what am I going to do? I can't do this! Its always better after I talk to you but I just can't get over it. Well, tomorrow is a new day. I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Love always and 4-life." January 8, 2012
It literally makes me sick. It brings back every single emotion January 6 brought.
Despair.
Depression.
Hopelessness.
To go so long and then to be slapped in the face with new charges was hard for me and I can't even begin to describe what it could feel like for my husband. To think he was so happy at one point, so happy just one week ago we had big plans for our future. He had high hopes for himself, but he just needs a break. One time. I have been advocating to Tom about being positive and strong during this time. And tonight, tonight I broke down. He could tell in my voice something was wrong, but I always try to be so strong for him, because if I am weak he worries, which brings more stress for him.
Today marks 300 days since Tom has been gone. 300. It doesn't seem like that long yet it seems like forever so far. It has been hard. I think a hard part of it for me has been being in love. I think its taken it toll on us not being able to see one another since April 11. How do you feel loved when you never see that person, 15-minute phone calls and letters just seem to be habit at this point. How are you in love with someone that you haven't seen in such a long time? I don't want to lose Tom and I know he doesn't want to lose me, but some days we struggle with these questions. At 25, with no kids, do I want to do 3-5 years knowing that I won't have children for that long, that my life will literally be put on hold until my husband comes home? Honestly, not at all. I don't think its something you sign up to do. But something I do want to do is support my husband. He sees it as selfish of him to ask me to stay while I see it selfish if I don't. What marry someone knowing the circumstances but then when it gets hard leave? No.
Is it hard? Hell yeah.
Do I regret it? Hell no.
There is an old say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." While for some people time make break you, worry you or even just pressure you, in our situation it has the "heart grow fonder." I can't say that this experience has been sugarplums and fairies yet this has brought us closer to each other and has really made us aware of the love we have. Tom and I were talking last night about where would be if he never had those silver bracelets around him wrists March 23.
Would we be married? Probably not. Yes, Tom and I may or may not have jumped into marriage too soon, yet we are happy we did. This time apart has opened our eyes to "bigger and better" things. We no longer focus on us as individuals or our outcome, its now "us" as a team. Having a person, a man, like Tom in my life has made me realize how much I have been missing out this whole time. So when Tom was pulled out of my life so fast, I soon awoke and made the promise to myself and Tom that this wasn't going to be the end. Now that we have been apart for over 160 days, we have left the past buried and look forward to our future together. He has developed hopes and dreams that maybe he would have never had, I have realized that my hopes and dreams are of children, marriage and sharing in my success with a wonderful husband. So now our life no longer consists of sleeping in one another's arms, there is no longer surprise lunches, balloons, flowers or jewelry.
And when your loved one is absent, those things don't matter. What matters now is their voice, their letters, their cards and their precious love. I got this amazing card in the mail from my husband. It is beautiful in its bright colors and precise lines but its more beautiful because it shows he cares. Over 160 days he is still making me smile, laugh and still melts my heart. He still goes out of his way to send me something special, it doesn't cost a lot, isn't something major but it is special. This wonderful card already has its own frame and hanging close to my bed. It reminds me every single day how lucky I am. Lucky to have him in my life, as my husband and so lucky to be in love with him. Tom and I share a lot of love between us, yet we are growing all of this fantastic love as well.
Tom humbled me tonight. As the phone rang I was so anxious to finally talk to him, talk to someone today! I shared how I was lonely and depressed today. His reply, "Its okay." To me its not okay or fine, so his response kind of enraged me. It made me mad because I felt like I was sharing something with him and here he was dismissing it, something he wasn't doing. He says, "It could be worse." To me, today, it can't. But as my husband explained to me, that to him we are good, he's good and I'm good. "When people ask me how I am, I always say 'good.' I have no other choice not to be good," he said.
He is so right.
"Every one has it harder or easier compared to the next person," he went on. So right again. He seemed to always find a positive in a world of negatives. Today I sit here, lonely and depressed but I know in the long run it won't be like this forever and I should be thankful for that. There are dozens of other men facing years without their freedom and dozens of "prison wives" facing years of lonely Sundays like this one. I was humbled in the fact that I shouldn't sit here and feel sorry for myself. We have no other choice in this situation, we have no other choice of what the outcome will be, we must just continue in staying strong in our marriage looking forward to the future. None of us should, we have chosen this path, we must embrace it and make the most out of it that we can. While our loved ones may not be able to experience everyday life with us, we can still embrace the present and look toward the future, leaving the past buried.
Forever my days are spent loving you
I miss everything about you
Some days I have to slow down my breathing
So I can get a grip on my heart
I can't wait to hold you in my arms
My apology for the days we have that are bad
There are many ways of making it up to you
Just like the many ways to love you
I can't wait for my special day with you
Better yet I can't wait to just hold you
Just to spend forever and a day with you
Makes my love for you grow by the seconds
So I want you to know 4-Life, From the bottom of my heart
I am blessed to spend, Forever and a day with you!"
Could I ask for anything more?
This is why I continue to fall in love with a man over again when I haven't seen in over 100 days and a man that I can only talk to in 15-minute intervals. This couldn't have came a better day, really. While Tom and I are looking at our halfway mark this Thursday, Tom could have came home this week as well. I know it is bittersweet. I have always preached "everything happens for a reason," but why this? Why did we have to catch 180 more days? Really? But like like we say, "it is what it is." While it would be fabulous to have him here, we both know its obviously not in the cards and when it comes down to it, it may not be in the cards until his release day.
Reading what he wrote makes my heart melt, because its positive that we are halfway done, yet still have XXX days left. Its hard because reality hits whens we both realize we have done so many days already and are still in the three digits. And maybe we both just realized that this past week. Tom writes this gets harder and harder and it always makes me wonder, what if.
"I'm sorry to put you through all this and like I said before I promise to never leave you again! Now also I lay here at night wondering how its going to be when I do get home. I know this is hard and its only been 90 days and I worry some times that something will happen in the next 200 or whatever days. I know you say you are here to stay and you have been supportive as hell through this but I have seen it a hundred times where it starts out great and the letters and money and phone are coming in constantly but then it gets close to the and and they say they met someone else and they just kept up with everything to make sure you were okay till you got out or they say that they are scared that you may go back or do something stupid to get you sent back and they want to end it now before it happens. Or worse off, all the love just fades away and thats the one that scares me."
He wrote that back in July but seems it be in play now. While we are still both supportive and love is not fading, its hard to maintain a relationship hell a marriage under these terms. The whats ifs, the what if he gives up, what if he can't handle it, the coulda, shoulda, woulda's all come into play. But while neither one of us can admit that this is easy, a piece of cake, we are still here. We are both trekking through this slowly but surely and poems like this, make it worth while.
So maybe the "everything happens for a reason" was to bring us closer, learn more about one another, really explore our goals, philosophy of life or finally just realize how much we really love one another. Whatever the reason may be, it is what it is. I still love my husband, I am still supporting him 120 percent, and when that day finally comes of him when I can finally have his fingers in between mine, I know we both will look back and say, "Look at what we did, can you believe it." Because when it comes down to it, its love.
"Oh well as long as I have you that is all that matters to me! So do you know how much I miss you babe? Damn, I wish for one night we could just be together and be able to fall asleep in eachother's arms again. I'd be able to do the rest of this on my head if we would be able to have one night together! But believe me, when this is over I will never leave you again and we will cherish everyday from that day on together! I don't ever want to be apart again like this. It's killing me to be here with a bunch of idiots and not to be with my wife." - August 13
"So anyways have I told you how much I miss you today? Well, I'm miss you like crazy today! damn I wish I could at least see you, the pics are nice but to be able to see you in person would make this so much easier for the both of us. When I call and you say that you had a bad day cause you were really missing me, I try to really play like I'm ok but inside its really killing me! Damn it kills me not to be able to see you. Everyday I wake up in here gets harder and harder but I try to remember that everyday I wake up in here is one day closer to being home with my wife. So I have to be strong cause it only hurts worse when I realize how long we have been apart and how much time we have left till we are back together again! With that being said all that is left to say is babe, we have to be strong and never broken! This will pass and we will make it. I love you with all my heart baby." - August 14
I can't begin to tell you how this affects me, reading this makes my heartache. Its aches because I feel exactly how he does, it aches because I wish I could see him everyday to take away his pain. This feeling has to be one of the worst, seeing someone you love so much in pain, lost and you really can't do anything to change it. While he gets letters daily, photos, newspapers, books, copies of my blog its not the same. For me, I don't get photos, I get letters and calls - its been over 100 days since I have seen my husband. The distance has killed us, when he was here in county jail I saw him six days a week since there were no visits on Thursdays, now he gets none. I wish I could fly tomorrow to surprise him, to just show him how much I love him. The 2,500 miles that separates us seems to be like a brick wall, no passing it.
Reading the words "harder and harder" is like a dagger to my heart, a rip in my soul because it should be getting easier, we are almost at our halfway point. The word harder is like a what if to me, what if he gives up, what if it gets too hard for him, what if, what if, what if. All we can do is close our eyes and daydream, or with any luck see one another in our dreams.
Tom and I have over 100 days left until we see each other, while it isn't a long time for a lot of women, it is for us, he has already been gone for 148 days. It seems like forever since he has been gone yet years until he is home again. All we can do is try to stay strong for one another, strong and never broken, that's it we have been so strong and never broken. We can only stay committed in our marriage and like he says cherish each day when he gets home.
But in the mean time, what do you do?
"Happy Anniversary baby! Four months and going strong! After this nothing can stop us baby. I'm so happy that April 7th we made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together. That is one of the best decisions I could have ever made in my life! To marry a woman who is everything that I'm not. She is reliable, funny, strong willed and caring. She keeps me together when I want to crumble. She picks me up when I fall down. And she is there when no one else is. She is my wife till death do us part! I love you with all my heart baby always and 4-Life!"
Tom was right, after this, nothing can stop us. This has definitely been a test of our love, dedication and a test of our commitment. Yeah we have only been married for four months but four months he has been locked up, four months of collect calls, letters, and four months of complete devotion. Everyday I think of how blessed I am to have this kind of love, this man - while others see him as just an inmate, just an offender I see him.
I see the potential in him, yet I see the pain, I see the love he has and the love he needs - I see past his bad decisions and encourage the right ones, because what matters is the present and the future. We let the past be the past, bury those skeletons and move on that is what keeps us as a unit.
April 7th I married my best friend and I wouldn't change it for the world. April 7th I made the right decision by marrying him. While he says I am everything he isn't like funny, strong willed, reliable and caring - I see all of those things within him. Four months really doesn't matter, what does matter is that love we share, the commitment we have for our marriage and focusing on the future. I love him more than the moon, at this point that is the only thing we share, the moon. Seeing the same thing thousands of miles away, I wish it was just that easy to see him. But one day soon we will be able to share the moon together, with one another, and I pray for it every single day.
"You know that I love you and I will never ever leave you again like this. You know why I married you? Cause I knew you were the one! I knew that you were everything I wasn't and you make me better everyday we are together! I married you cause you are the most beautiful woman I ever met! You are so beautiful and I don't want you to ever change I love you with everything I am and that will never change. I fell in love with you the way you are now and that is how I want you to stay! I will always be proud of you! I'm proud to have you as my wife."
"I do want you to know that a major part of me changing is you! You make me want to be a better man and grow up to make you happy. You make me realize that I can have fun and be able to be an adult at the same time. I want to make you proud to call me your husband and not just another man. that is the major part of why I read these books, why I want to go back to school and why I am trying to make myself a better person inside and out! I love you with all my heart and I am proud to call you my wife and I will continue to try to better myself everyday to make you feel proud of me and continue to be proud of me!"
What he doesn't realize is I was proud of him from the start. It started the day he "confessed" to me about his past, maybe days into knowing each other he laid everything out, setting the foundation of our relationship. I was proud of him the day he was arrested, March 23 when he made his one free call, his first words were, "I am so sorry babe," he was calm, collected. I was proud of him the day he broke down in front of him, with glass separating our touch, he finally told me how he really felt. I continue to be proud of him, how amazingly strong he has been and even though I know he has bad days he stands strong with his head up high. I was proud of him the day he shared he wanted to be a counselor to try and help someone like what he used to be.
This man, named Thomas Lewis, continues to amaze me every single day. Every day I am proud of him. He is not and will never be just "another man" he is my best friend, in every sense of the word. We have friendship and love which is so grand in this hectic world.
This pulls at my heartstrings, having such a great man wanting to better himself for us, for our future and our future family is an irreplaceable gift. In return I am making changes as well, maybe thats what love really does to you. Maybe love is suppose to bring the best of you out to better someone else, whatever it is 'suppose' to do, I feel lucky to have it in my life.
"I fell asleep and got to dream of you! I had a dream that I was home with you laying in bed just watching TV. There was nothing great about it except that we were together again. It felt good and I slept good! I woke up in a great mood but realized how much time it is till that day will come and got instantly into my attitude that has been as of lately. Its not a bad mood or anything like that but more of "what the fuck" mood. Like what the fuck another day, what the fuck I can't believe I'm back here, or what the fuck I still have money away till we are together. Even though this time is easier than any other time, I have had this time be one of the hardest. Its been the hardest cause this time I have a wife that is waiting for me. Its hard cause this time I've gotten married and have yet been able to spend one night with her, hell even just kiss or touch her. Even though this will all be over and done with soon enough and we will be able to live our lives together this time is hard for me. I laid here last night after the lights went out for about a half an hour or so and just thought about you and the times we did spend together. Like the time on our way to Missoula and you sucked all the helium out of the balloon and started talking with that high pitched voice, how much fun we had. And even that big fight that we got into over really nothing and how glad I am by not making one of the dumbest decisions I could have made by not saying, "I don't want to lose you!" How dumb would I have been to let you go? I am so happy to have you in my life as my wife and best best friend! I love you so much baby! Even though you are not with me right now you are still with me everyday, you are here when I write my letters, when I wake up everyday and when I go to sleep every night. God, I don't know where would be at mentally without you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you waiting for me. And even though I say it a lot babe these are a few of the reasons why I say thank you! Thank you! Thank you! thank you for everything baby, you have done so much for me since this started but the main thing you have done is the moral support! Fuck the money and the calls, the best thing for me is these letters! The ones I get from you everyday cheer me up and the letters I write everyday keep me there cause they allow me to get stuff off my chest that are bothering me! I love you baby!"
I can't even begin to express how lucky I feel to have such a great man. I miss Tom so much every single day and while we aren't able to see eachother we both stay strong in our relationship. Some days are better than others but all we can do is remember the good times the laughs we shared and all the fun we had and will soon have. While Tom thanks me for the support I give him, in reality he gives me all the support too. He is the one locked up, he is the one not able to have his freedom and yet he is still able to give me everything I need while he is locked up.
Reading about our "big fight" kind of makes me giggle, neither one of us remember what it was about and it was the only fight we have experienced. Our "big fight" had us both emotionally unraveled, waiting for the other, and when Tom walked into the room while I was packing and he muttered the six words, "I don't want to lose you," the rest is history.
Tom and I are husband and wife, a team and best friends. We never judge one another, get mad for nothing, argue or even bicker, we accept each other for one another's faults and we look past the what ifs and what could have been because this is us.
While Tom has an assigned bed through New Jersey Department of Corrections, they are apart of us until February 26, 2012. And I am okay with that.
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